Reblog: 5 Things to Stop Asking People Who are Dating Parents


“The truth is: a family is a family as long as there are people in a clump who love each other and try really hard to be good and say sorry when they aren’t as good as they could be. It doesn’t matter how that family came to be. It really doesn’t.”


5 Questions to Stop Asking People Who are Dating Parents

Please for the love of god, stop.

Alright. I’m only about 6 months into dating the man of my dreams who also has a child and I’m exhausted. Not because men smell bad sometimes or children can be assholes, but because I’m tired of being asked the same lame questions by people who are not dating a man who also has a four-year-old son.

I understand that people are curious. I’m a former child actor who is now booze sober and freelances while making her life up as she goes, so I’m super familiar with fielding questions from people who wonder what it’s like to live my best life. I L O V E to talk about myself, so I’m usually pretty cool with answering most inquiries.

I also understand that the dismantling of what we once considered a “traditional family” is a recent development in our species’ evolution. Everyone is curious. But there are some questions that just need to stop.

The truth is: a family is a family as long as there are people in a clump who love each other and try really hard to be good and say sorry when they aren’t as good as they could be. It doesn’t matter how that family came to be. It really doesn’t.

Before I rant, I’d like to note that I’m writing this as a white, heterosexual woman who is dating a straight white guy. I’ve got it the easiest as far as these situations go for more reasons than just that. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like for anyone else because I’m not anyone else. If you’re in a similar but different situation, I want to hear about it.

From my experience, these are five common yet useless questions people should really stop asking people who are dating parents:

1. Is it weird that he has a kid?

Is it weird that YOU have a kid? I think what you mean is, “Is it weird that you’re playing house with a baby that isn’t yours?” My personal answer is: this is literally all I’ve ever done. I’ve played with dolls, I’ve babysat other people’s children and I’ve imagined parenting that cute wealthy little wasp of a child on the subway. This is the only thing I know how to do, so it’s not that weird at all. Also, what if I said, “Yeah. It’s super weird, man. It’s like there’s this kid there sometimes and it creeps me out.” THAT would be weird.

2. Are you in the child’s life?

Hahahah. No. For half the week, I live in the bathroom and subsist on used Q-tips and body wash.

3. Do you guys want your own kids?

Before I get into this: just stop asking people in general if they’re going to have children. It’s really annoying and weird and none of your business. Giving birth is not a rite of passage. It’s an optional thing. Get used to it. Beyond that? Ew, none of your business. Also, there’s something gross about saying “your own” kids. It comes across like you’re trying to find a way to ask, “Hey so you wanna have any non-bastard kids or what?” It’s weird and, one more time for those in the back: none of your business.

4. How did the kid happen?

In many cases, kids happen when a man and a woman do sex with each other and the woman’s eggs are ripe. In many other cases, it happens differently. In all cases: it’s none of your business.

5. What’s with his/her/their baby mama/daddy?

This one is my favorite. It’s the nosiest of all the questions. I wish people would just lick their chops and rub their palms together when they ask it so they could look as predatory as they sound. I usually say, “That’s not my story to share. And if you ever say ‘baby mama’ to me again, I’m gonna fart into your mouth.” Look, don’t be a gossip. Maybe deep down, you want to hear some juicy story of passion and betrayal because you haven’t had a sick day in awhile and you miss watching Jerry Springer. But: it ain’t nunya.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t ask questions, folks. But there’s a right way to ask questions and there are many careless, insensitive ways to ask. Do me a favor and skip all those other questions and just ask this one:

I’d love to hear about your partner’s kid, if you want to talk about it!

That’s it. Super easy. You’ll get the information you actually need, which is whatever the other person decides to share.



You might have noticed that I’m not posting as much as I used to and you might be wondering why. Or you haven’t had a clue and this is sparking the idea for the first time. Either way. Here I am.

I’ve posted a few times about making healthy choices and changing life styles and moving toward better and greater things. I am trying so incredibly hard to stick to that and to let it be a main focus in my life. At the same time, this means that any “down time” I may have is dedicated to other things. Work outs. Finding healthy meals. Taking care of my house. Playing tennis with my husband. Decluttering our house in an effort to find a storage unit that won’t break the bank, nor will it be too small to fit everything that needs to fit in there (which is a LOT).

I am busy in a way that makes me happy most of the time. I feel a sense of accomplishment even if I have a crappy workout. I feel accomplished in my overwhelming fatigue. My muscles are sore and my body is tired. But that’s what rest day is for. I feel accomplished when I make healthy, yummy meals and the whole family is satisfied. I feel accomplished when my husband suggests we play outside and do something positive together instead of turning on a home building show or sitting at a desk all night.

In the life of a step mom, the purpose of this blog, I don’t have a lot to update you on. 12 is now 13. 13 has a cell phone and it is going to be the bane of my existence. 13 thinks that there is entitlement to it and that whatever he decides is how it goes. He thinks that since mom bought it, mom is supreme ruler of all things cell phone and it’s funny because that ain’t how it works, kid. Mom doesn’t get to call you at any time and interfere with what we are doing- giving you a 20 minute break away from chores or a family thing that we are doing. If you have been instructed to put your phone away mom doesn’t get the shiny get out of jail free card. You won’t know that she’s calling or texting because your phone will be put away. If you are grounded, my friend, that includes your annoying, buzzing phone. I am ticked that this 13 year old has a phone and Prince Charming didn’t have a say in it. 13 had a phone two years ago and it broke. Stopped working completely and it was one of those government phones. We were not happy to have to deal with it. We are not happy to deal with this one. Not even close.

It has already caused fights, threatened spankings (I talked PC out of it). Has already caused 13 to cry and to flop himself onto his bed and has already allowed me to threaten breaking it in half and burying it in dog poop.

We fight most weekends. I get really stressed out, I get really anxious. I feel alone when its our weekend with kids. I need “Me” time, even if its when my prince is doing homework in the other room. Or 15 minutes of silence in the morning.  I don’t think I was really ready to be a parent two years ago. Especially to a 7 and 11 year old. It’s not natural for a 27 year old girl to have kids aged 9 and 13 year old, we don’t know how to deal with them! It’s my newest realization when the 13 year old horomones start kicking in. I just don’t care. I can sympathize with those emotions but I just can’t deal with them. That kid can be my best friend and he can also be the first person to make me think about walking out the door and saying, sorry, I had the rose colored glasses on. Finally saw what real life was like. (I’m never leaving. But there are certainly times that I have considered walking out and going for a reaaaaaaaaallly long walk.)

Last weekend, social media ruined the surprise 13 had for me. He COULD NOT WAIT to tell me he got a cell phone. ME. not dad. ME. I actually ran out of gas on the highway and had to have my Prince come save me. 13 was waving frantically in the mirror for me to get out of my car and walk to his ON THE HIGHWAY so he could show me his present. He was crushed when his dad told him that his dear mother posted the photos of him in his new birthday digs with his shiny cell phone on Facebook. Crushed. And it made me so happy that he had been SO EXCITED to share with me.

9 is finally starting to be more natural with me. He isn’t as nervous. A couple weeks ago he sat on my lap TWICE over the weekend. He tells me good night. He smiles at me and gets excited to tell me stories. He plays games with me and wants my help.

But i’m doing this thing that i used to when i was a kid. I’m getting scared. and i put my walls up. so when he starts to pull on my hand or ask for direct help i ask him to scoot further away. i get irritated. i get tired of the pull of a 9 year old. and then i regret it immensely later, when i realize that the monster has emerged her ugly head again.

It’s awful to think that I am the reason there is distance between us now.

I don’t know how to stop it. It’s me and my defense mechanisms. People who have hurt me, even if they are seven years old. They get the cold shoulder and they get kicked to the curb. I cannot control it.

What do i do? How do i stop this? How do i switch the knob in my head from “be protective of yourself” to “let the kid in.” How does this even make sense?









Healthy Step Momma


Folks, let me talk to you about what life is like when you decide to put your terrible lifestyle behind you. When you choose to stop buying new clothes because you are determined to make sure they become loose on you, when you pick up a fork and put LETTUCE on the end of it, when you intentionally skip the second Coca Cola and grab an ice water instead. It’s tedious and it’s annoying.

I’ve never been a “diet-er.” I don’t really believe in Diets. Unless you’re doing some special event like getting married and just want to be “trim” or something for that special day, but no. Diets are not a good thing. It’s a really great way to upset your mind. It’s a really great way to feel strapped, to feel caged in, and to not get results. Folks, you can’t diet. You have to change.

In the past month, I have gone to the gym all but 3 days on my lunch- the 3 days I didn’t go, I couldn’t leave the office and wasn’t able to take a lunch that day. And I went home and worked out in my living room. I have committed all of my lunch hours to gym time, if possible. This means I only really get about 35 minutes of activity (if I’m moving quick when i drive to the gym, change, find a machine and changing again, driving back to work), so that’s not very much! But here’s the thing: Even if I go to the gym and I am unmotivated and barely moving on an elliptical, I am doing more than what i would be if i sat in my car eating fast food like i used to do. I am making a positive change. There have certainly been days that I have said, “well today seems like a good day to skip the gym and take a nap on my lunch.” but i dragged my butt to the gym and made myself move. not all my workouts are great. but they are better than sitting in my car eating fast food.

I have also been doing that weird Cardio Drumming thing more often. But since I joined a gym and already pay $20some a month, I’ve decided to only do it via YouTube. It’s hilarious and weird but I can do it on my leisure and it costs less (aka FREE). This is the link I have been drumming to the last couple weeks, if you’re interested.


Life is annoying when you pack a granola bar for breakfast, a small snack like “Fruit snacks” or a handful of oyster crackers (this is actually a bad snack, but i love them!) and then pack a protein bar for lunch. i am pretty much starving when I get out of work and we usually don’t eat for another two hours after we get home. So that’s fun.

But I’ve been packing small salads and eating them in the afternoon. This is life changing. I hate lettuce. I HATE it. My church just had a fellowship meal a couple months ago and it was a Salad Bar and i intentionally skipped it because I freaking hate lettuce. Two weeks later i started eating it every day. My dad almost fell out of his chair when I told him I tried salad and was able to make it through. I will say these salads are stupid. They are Romaine Hearts with Olive Garden Italian Dressing (AMMMAAAZINNNGGG) and croutons. That’s it. I don’t like cheese on my salad, i don’t like bacon, and i hardly like any other “salad friendly” veggies. If I have super extremely chopped tomatoes and cucumbers, I can handle those- but prefer to skip them.

In my life, I haven’t been one who is an over-eater, not much of a snacker (except on the weekends when I’m trapped in the house and dying of boredom), not too much of a sweet tooth. nothing horrible. I just eat the wrong foods. I like being active, I like sports and like lifting weights. I just also really like bread and pizza and tacos and everything that has nothing healthy in it. In the past two years, I’ve become sort of wildly obsessed with green beans, I eat them plain 95% of the time. I eat cabbage. I eat asparagus. I eat cauliflower. I eat brussel sprouts. I eat broccoli. I eat freaking lettuce. This is insane.

I still hate fruit, but I’m drinking protein shakes and putting 1 serving of fruit (1/2 a banana) in each shake- I can drink fruit but i won’t eat it :).

In the first week of me deciding to go to the gym and change my life, I lost 10 pounds. That’s literally because i stopped sitting in my car eating terrible food and decided to step away from the drive thru. (I honestly have never really been a fast food junkie until I got the job that I have now. I don’t have a break room, sit at a cubicle in the main lobby and everyone is 30 years older than me, so I eat alone every day.) The second week I lost 5 more pounds, but they came back. I have steadily lost 10 pounds over the last three-four weeks and I’m okay with that.

It’s going to be annoying because getting healthy takes time. a lot of time. but here’s the thing. I can’t get stuck on “Just 10 pounds.” Because here’s what’s happened since I lost “Just 10 pounds,” :

  • I developed a regular workout routine
  • I am actively searching for healthier recipes
  • I am eating fresh vegetables more often
  • My Prince is encouraged by me making healthy, positive changes
  • I am incredibly sore, but in different ways than I was before. (Sore because my muscles are changing, not because I am stiff and achy… although some is still present and probably will be. Life with Chronic Pain.
  • I am having FUN working out and drumming
  • We look for other things to do as a family and as a couple instead of sitting in the living room.
  • Our Wii has gotten a lot of activity lately
  • I drink a lot more water
  • I sleep a heck of a lot better
  • I feel better about myself
  • I am making positive, healthy choices every single day
  • I lost ten pounds. TEN.


I hope that if you are doing this healthy thing with me, that you will not be discouraged by your “just 5 pounds” or “just 20 pounds” depending on what your goal is. I hope that you will see your good actions as something incredibly positive. The key is to stick with it. Keep moving. Keep eating good things. Keep drinking water. Keep it up. Pounds came on one at a time and that’s exactly how they’ll go.

And on top of it, remember that you are incredibly beautiful and you should be doing this for YOU. no one else. Not your family who calls you pudgy, your coworker who points out your weird body shape, not your significant other who really like skinny chicks, none of that. Do it for You.

Anxiety & Loneliness of Motherhood


Some good words on loneliness in the hood. motherhood that is.


This is going to be a raw vunerable post. Without the potty mouthed sense of humour. Because motherhood can be a lonely road. Unfortunately for me, it’s a lonely journey in every aspect I never thought I would face. This has been tough to post but I’ve realised I shouldn’t be scared what people think of me.. this is the precise reason why I began this blog and maybe someone reading this can relate..

Because you are not alone.

Virtually, not alone.

It’s funny to me how virtually you are not forgotten.. friends comment on your social media platforms, include you in their broadcast texts, tag you in things they want you to see.. etc.. It’s like having a completely different world inside a screen. Another dimention where everyone is connected and noone is ever alone. But in the real world, we face battles just to stay really connected to…

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“While I don’t mind when you assume I am their mom, my stepkids do. They have a mother. I get to be their bonus mom. It’s hurtful to have to explain that I am their stepmom, or worse, to hear them quickly correct you, by saying, “She’s not our mother.”

This is my least favorite one. It happened last night at the little restaurant our family likes. “You all ordered a lot and I bet Mom here will help make sure you finish it here.” not noticing the fat joke she made, we nodded and carried on.
Then 9 steps in and says, “Step…….mom.”
Can we seriously not get through one public encounter without having to explain the dynamic of our family to perfect strangers?
I am the mother at the table. I may not be your biological mother, but I am the one who is doing the mothering at this given time. I am mothering these kids when they cry, when they spin in circles on their spinny chairs and have nothing else to do, when I pick up their dirty laundry, when we play video games on our phones, when I drive them to and from the bus stop. I am mothering, even though I am not their mother.

Does this perfect stranger need to know that our family is confusing and is a mess? No. Can’t we just sweep the extra “Step” words under the rug for just this meal? Why is it so much?
What will our meals look like when we take new kids to dinner with the older kids and the waitress says “Mom, what’re you having?” Will 9 say, “She’s not our mom. She’s their mom but not ours. She’s our step mom,” ?

This article is so good.

Courtesy of Steph Montgomery

10 Ways You Don’t Realize You’re Shaming Stepmoms

By 2 days ago

Once upon a time, an evil stepmother spent her days thinking of ways to make her stepkids miserable. Oh wait, that’s not right. She actually spent her days thinking of ways to bond with them, engage with them, and not step on anyone’s toes. Being a stepmom is seriously hard. Sometimes harder than being a mom, and society has some serious preconceived notions about what I’m like, only because I married a man with kids. There are so many ways you don’t realize you’re shaming stepmoms and, honestly, it hurts.

My husband and I have worked hard to build a family with each other and his, my, and our children. Being a stepmom is one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done, and it has taken a lot of patience, creativity, and occasionally locking myself in the bathroom to cry, to get through the hard days. To be perfectly honest, you don’t instantly fall in love with your stepkids and they don’t instantly fall in love with you. To make matters worse, stepmoms are rarely the heroes in fairy tales, often finding themselves the object of other characters’ hatred and fear.

In the end, I am often the scapegoat and whatever is going on, it’s all my fault. Seriously, the list of things that are my fault goes on forever. Psychologists theorize that we blame and stigmatize stepmothers in our culture as a way to  deflect bad feelings away from our mothers. However, it’s 2017, and so many parents divorce and remarry and have to find ways to blend their families. It’s time to give stepmoms a break and stop shaming them, because it’s already hard enough. Trust me.

When You Make Comments About Our Family Size

Our blended family has five kids, ages newborn to tween. I don’t go a day without someone commenting about our family size, from sarcastic comments about me not knowing “how those things are made,” to questioning how many times I’ve been pregnant given that my “body doesn’t look like I’ve had five kids.” I know it’s supposed to be a compliment, but it’s gross. Please don’t.

When You Forget We’re Stepmoms

While I don’t mind when you assume I am their mom, my stepkids do. They have a mother. I get to be their bonus mom. It’s hurtful to have to explain that I am their stepmom, or worse, to hear them quickly correct you, by saying, “She’s not our mother.”

When You Ask Which Ones Are Our “Real” Kids

None of them. I’m pretty sure they are all robots, specially designed to wake up early on Saturday mornings, make annoying sounds, and interrupt their parents having sex. Seriously, though, love doesn’t require biology.

When You Assume We Hate Our Stepkids’ Mother

Like it or not, I am always going to have their mother in my life. It’s seriously hard to have to plan your life around another person’s schedule and disagree with their parenting choices. However, for the most part, things work better when we get along, so I try really hard to do so for our kids’ sake.

When You Make Jokes About Evil Stepmothers

Disney has seriously given stepmoms a bad reputation. It’s not funny, and it’s so not true. I love my stepkids, and I try really hard to treat my stepkids and my bio kids the same. Of course, that makes them think I am “evil” when I do things like enforce bedtime and make them clean up after themselves.

When You Assume We All Have The Same Last Name

This one is subtle. My husband and I don’t have the same last name, and neither do our children. So, things get complicated at school, work, and the doctor’s office, and we regularly have to explain how our family works to strangers. Awkward.

When You Don’t Include Them When Asking About Our Kids

Our family is one team. When you ask me how my biological kids are doing, but forget to ask about, or worse, deliberately exclude my stepkids, you send a subtle message that you don’t approve of my family, or don’t consider them to be important enough to mention. That’s not OK.

When You Don’t Include Us When Talking About Our Stepkids’ Family

It’s totally awkward to be at a parent-teacher meeting, school concert, or family event, and get treated like the elephant in the room. You can include me. It’s OK. I wouldn’t show up if I wasn’t a part of their lives, and while I’m not their mother, I do matter.

When You Assume We Hate Being Stepmoms

It definitely has its difficult moments, but being a stepmom is one of the best (and the hardest) things I’ve ever done, and there have been so many wonderful moments I will never forget. I still remember the first time each of them hugged me. Moments like running a race with my stepdaughter, watching her hold her baby brother for the first time, hearing my stepson excitedly describe his newest Pokémon card, and watching him play in the yard with his sisters and brother, make it all worth it.

When You Assume Our Stepkids Hate Us

Over the past couple of years, we’ve had our share of ups and downs, and definitely some eye rolls and tantrums, but please don’t assume you know anything about how our relationship works. I love my stepkids, and I hope that someday they’ll love me. However, and always, I’m not trying to be their mom.

A little known secret about blended families: stepkids get to have more than two parents to help them navigate the world. While I am sometimes still the scapegoat, and occasionally still hear, “You’re not my mom,” I’m learning to be a major source of good in their lives, too, even if that means  being “evil” and making them do their homework. If that makes me an evil stepmother, I totally want a crown.

New Years Check In


I am slow to post these days and I am fine with it.
I am spending my days at work a lot busier (most of the time).
I am spending my lunch hours raising the bar and lifting weights.
I am spending my evenings taking walks with my husband and recouping from the day. Cooking more. Cleaning. Enjoying my time with him when it is there.
So blogging is low on the priority list and I hope I haven’t upset you by not being here.

I realized I’ve only checked in once on my 2017 goals and now is a great time to do so again!

The StepMomma’s 2017 Goals:

  1. Decluttering
  2. Fixing up House A
  3. Fixing up House B
  4. Making healthier food and life choices
  5. Saving more moolah
  6. Paying off all debt (excluding student loans, mortgages)
  7. Weekly Bible Studies with the kiddos
  8. Reading my entire bible all the way through
  9. Hosting a Bible study in our home
  10. Becoming a DBA and LLC for my personal business
  11. More family time
  12. Learning to cook one decent meal for the family
  13. Only wearing jeans one day/week…
  14. Read more.

Some of these are a work in progress- like decluttering, making healthy choices, saving money, and having more family time. They always will be. As long as there is progress in these areas, I am so happy.

We have been boxing up as much as we can. We’ve found a couple items we wished we wouldnt have boxed up yet, but we will NOT pull them back out. Prince Charming almost boxed up our TV, but I’m not ready for that. We like watching movies on the weekends and we love our Wii lately.

Two weeks ago I talked to my dad on the phone and somehow he suggested we do a weight loss challenge, because my entire family is overweight, unhealthy, and making no signs of positive changes. I jumped on it. I like challenges and I need someone to hold me accountable. I invited my husband to join in and he will, once school is over. So right now, my dad, husband and I are in the battle of the fittest. Except we are all going to win if we commit to making better choices. I don’t really care about a certain number that I get down to- but I did set a goal for myself. I’m happy to see myself change. The first week I lost 10 pounds! Then another five, but those came back. So i have steadily lost 10 pounds in 2.5 weeks and I am happy about that. If I know that I am eating better foods and I am working out steadily- I don’t really care what my scale says. I know that I am doing good things because I can lift more than I did last week and I can drum longer without stopping for a drink. I can see change in this short amount of time and that in itself is encouraging. I have been to the gym 12 times in 2.5 weeks and the days I didn’t hit the gym, I worked out at home or went for walks with my husband. I think there’s only been one day of inactivity and in reality, I got my butt kicked at work that day and was lifting heavy equipment all day long- I count it as a workout almost.

We have successfully paid off all but one debt (which we are making payments on) and are now working toward student loan debt, too. It is so exciting to get statements with zeros on them! It’s tough to do when both of us aren’t working full time, but I am so grateful for even widdling them down.

We have spent a LOT of time together as a family lately. So much that I have been in need of some real s.p.a.c.e. lately. or a lot of time with just my husband. one or the other is rejuvenating to me. Two weeks ago we had the younger two kids on our Wednesday, the weekend, the following Monday. Then 17 came over on Tuesday, we had the youngest two on Wednesday and 20 came over, too. The two youngest came again on Thursday. So we had them every day for an entire week and I almost lost it. It’s so hard for me to not get a break. It’s so hard to come home and be drained from work and feel no release or sense of rest. To not be able to put a load of laundry in the washer without being nagged.. it can be daunting. I feel awful about it, but I can’t help it. My Prince questions whether I truly want a family. If I want kids of my own. And I can’t explain to him enough that it will not be the same. He just doesn’t get it. There is a difference in the longing that kids have for their mother and the type of attention they crave from me. It is so incredibly different that I can’t even explain it. They crave time with me but when they realize it’s happening, they put up walls and they scoot away. I do the same thing.

They get excited and want to share with me or play with me and I sort of freak out over the type of intimacy that I’m experiencing with them. Afraid that they’ll shut me out again or their mom will rip them from me, their dad will interfere. That they’ll look up and realize I’m not their parent and they shouldn’t be giggling with me so much. I don’t want to do that to my kids. But it’s how I function.

I have mastered a few meals! I just had my dad over on Sunday and cooked Honey Balsalmic Chicken and green beans for him. Prince Charming made some potatoes and a tarte for them. My dad was so pleased. he was so impressed to see me cooking something and that the seasoning that went on the chicken was homemade, not from a bottle. That i blended spices together to get this delicious tasting sauce to coat the chicken and beans in. It was so good. I felt so accomplished.

I haven’t worn jeans since January.

I have still only read two books this year, but I am working on a third and just taking my time doing so. What recommendations do you have?


how are your goals coming along?



If you follow me on Instagram or on Facebook, you’ve seen my teaser posts leading up to this: Loneliness in Step Parenting. I just want to start out by saying that I really, honestly don’t know how to talk about it. But it needs to be talked about.

There is this stigma that I think a lot of step parents falsely believe when they enter into marriage- that they will be an equal to their partner in parenting. I do NOT mean when it comes to the other parent, by any means. But I DO mean within the household. And it just isn’t true, at least not in my house- and I don’t think we are abnormal.

There’s a lot that goes into this statement, though. It’s not a one-size-fits-all category. In our case, I had been around the kiddos the entire time we were dating, I knew them from church before we dated- I was comfortable with them and they were getting comfortable with me. It took them a long time to realize that I was their dad’s girlfriend and then fiance, and then soon to be.. roommate. But i was still there.

We started sort of implementing some roles for me, on accident, before we got married. I started taking them to their bus stop in the mornings so that my Prince could go to work on time and not have to miss out on hours just to make a couple runs to the bus around the corner. So for me, I woke up 3 hours earlier than I needed and trekked myself 20 minutes out of the way with the intent to help my future husband out. To have some one on one time with my future step kids. To try to do something positive. They saw that things were changing and that new things were happening.

When I became The Step Momma, I sort of expected to be a partner in decision making for the kids. I KNOW that I am not their mother. I am not their mom. I am new. I am the newest. but it is also my house and i have a role in their lives.

When the ugly step parent card rears its ugly face, the Step Momma falls. Fast. It’s easy for me to feel  isolated or lonesome. I feel left out.  It’s hard when my prince even plays with the kiddos instead of speaking to me. It. all. crashes. down. I get reminded of my new-ness, how fresh I am to this family. And I know I can’t be alone in these feelings. At the end of the day, I can be completely drained from the kids fighting or just the constant pull they can have- not that they are naggy, but just that it is a new life that I am still not used to.


The loneliness creeps in when they have been with us for 1 night and 12 calls his mom because he misses her, but he can spend 6 nights away from us and never call us to check in once. again, i get the mom/son connection, but sometimes that stings too.

How about when the issue of time and visitation comes into play. ALL I have ever asked is that I am notified if there are changes. This is typical in the summer that we will get extra nights with the kids. When  I come home I am aching for quiet, solitude. If things are out of the norm, it is difficult for me to even function, really. If we pick up extra nights, I want to be involved in that decision. My plans are important, too. What if I planned a date for us? Or planned to do something different? Or what if I just need a break and some time with my husband? Spring break is approaching, so the Time questions are surfacing. I don’t get to answer because I don’t know 100% of what bio mom has said or what her impact is on the kids. i do know what it’s like to be  a step kid. I do know what it’s like to be the voice of reason between two parents who can’t get along.  Tonight, I mouthed off and said “let me know what’s acceptable for me to say.” and walked away. I am more easily hurt as a step parent than i ever have been in any other role in my life. ever. the person who holds my heart and shares the same dreams and goals that i have is the only one who has the ability to shake my emotions, and he doesn’t even know when he does it. which makes it tougher.


I don’t know how to explain it.

It’s hard for me to see them have father/child chats and not get updated on what they’re “chit chatting” about. I’m important too.
When they come back from the store and get special treats and nothing for me, I get jealous. I get lonesome when they don’t think of me.

When they haven’t seen their dad or i in almost a week and they, sometimes, come through the door excited to see him. They hug him and get in wrestling matches and i stand to the side. I don’t get much of a hello. I don’t get told good night. I certainly can’t be told I love you. and the last and only hug i have ever gotten was when i specifically asked for one when their mom ripped them away from me. 9 has sat on my lap twice this weekend, but he knows he’s doing something risky- he’s cautious when he does it.

This weekend, we created Mii’s on our Wii gaming system, my step dad gave us his old one a couple weeks ago so we are still customizing and learning new things. They made Mii’s for each kid, my prince and for me. When my Mii showed up on the screen, 9 said “NO. YOU LOOK LIKE THE MOM.” and resorted the entire group of Mii’s and kicked me out. it. hurts.

We are silent because we have to be strong. We endure a lot that other parents don’t. We see a lot. We feel a lot. We are in roles that are unnatural and that’s why it’s so damn hard.


The quote that has been hitting me hard lately is something like, “Why is it so hard to believe that parents can love multiple children, but children cannot love multiple parents?”


Are ya with me? Does this sound like your walk as a step?