What’s on my mind today.

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Fresh food from our brand new indoor market.IMG_0062

Fragrant, fresh cut flowersIMG_0066

Shiny jeweleryIMG_0081

Punny PinsIMG_8851

Romaine lettuce o m g.IMG_8853

SucculentsIMG_8858

That asparagus

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and momma geese.

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Freshly grown foods and nature – – the answer to my hurting soul, i think.
sadly (or not?) these photos are a reflection of my work day and didn’t lend enough time to allow me to soak in the beauty of mamas and their babes or of these little deer, but at least i snapped a few photos.

Here’s to hoping for more nature, more calm, more Jesus this weekend.

A time for everything.

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A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Lord, You are good. Even when it seems dark.

remembering marvin.

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i can’t begin to give you words to describe my marvin. if i do, i’ll cry. and i’m at work, so i can’t cry.

but i’m here to tell you that my beloved Marvin. my step dad of 20 years. he passed away on Sunday, very unexpectedly. his heart has stopped and mine feels like it’s going to. there’s a hole in our family and in all of our hearts. he was the best.

so here, today, i wrestled myself out of bed this morning to come to work. to put on a semi-decent face and the strength to drive 30 miles to work. it’s taking everything in me to stay up right and not to curl up under my desk and give in to the depression that is sinking in. he was more than a step dad. he was constant and joyful. he was silly and kind. he was full of life. his heart was gold. his smile was infectious. he wanted nothing from anyone. he made my family complete and now we are a little bit empty. he is already so missed.

 

 

Our new baby.

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This weekend, without explaining anything, was one of the most stressful, chaotic, emotional weekends we have had in a very long time. And I do say we.

There is extended family drama up the wazoo and we are the only trusted people who can handle the situation or be involved at all. Which is pretty neat, but also pretty exhausting.

I mentioned in my last post that we saved a baby racoon. and now we are syringe feeding it every few hours and i bathed it last night and it sits in my laundry room right now, while i am away.

We have named him Meeko.

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The photos I have of him are very blurry. but he is about 5 pounds and maybe 7 or 8 inches long. He is so tiny. His hands are so weird. His knuckles bend and wrap around things and they freak me out, but he is so incredibly cute.

He is a loner, so we have put a little baby Ty Beanie Baby Turtle with him.

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They only cuddle when he sleeps through the night. Not during nap time.

He also has a giant stick in his box and we will add leaves and acorns, pinecones as we go.

We’re trying to get him back to normal. Day 1 he was dizzy, he could hardly hold his head up and definitely couldn’t walk without stumbling. He ate very little and we think he was dehydrated, so I have syringe fed him some water (sparingly, since babies typically don’t drink water).

He’s been drinking 3-4 oz of puppy milk each day, with 1-2 tsp of water in there somewhere. Last night we mixed some squash into his milk, he seemed to like it. It’s hard to know what to do because we don’t know his age and don’t know what he is really capable of, since he was so off on Sunday.

Yesterday he climbed out of his box on his own. his strength is coming back and it’s so great to see! He chased me in the yard (I’m his mom now) and ran in circles with me until he got tired. Then I bathed him, he was covered in a lot of.. gunk, we’ll say, when we picked him up and I was scared to touch him. Fortunately I keep everything and still had some mild puppy shampoo that I bathed him in- I added the Blue Dawn Dish soap to the mix too, because that stuff is like magic in a bottle. Not all of the gunk came off, but he looks clean and isn’t covered today. I’ll probably bathe him again tonight just in warm water, with no chemicals. I think its good to let him move and walk around in a contained area, especially away from our dogs. They want to eat him.

We have been toying with the idea of training him to release when he is about 10 weeks old (give or take), or training him to an outdoor crate that we will feed him in and keep around. We plan to have a farm and think it might be neat to have an outdoor pet raccoon! Especially if he has lost his family. He will likely follow me around the yard even as an adult, he will likely click with me but not to a point that is dangerous. I’m okay with having more animal friends 🙂

I like feeding him and bathing him was fun to watch, too. I don’t like when he screams.

This is such a weird thing we are doing, but i think its great

 

 

 

 

 

 

The momster strikes again.

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I did that thing again.
Where I lose my cool and scream until I don’t even know what I’m screaming about.

We got a knock at our door at 8am Saturday morning and then proceeded to sit on the porch for an hour with an in law. Sleepy eyed, braless, uncaffeinated. Too much for 8am. My prince and the in law left to do some errands and to have some one on one time. I counted the minutes until I was supposed to leave for a baby shower 90 minutes away. Called my best friend to tell her i didn’t know if i could make it (which means I crushed her), and then rage cleaned the entire house before the kids even got out of bed.

My prince arrived promptly at the time the shower started. So I headed out and tried my darndest to make it on time. We all went separate ways on Saturday. I drove through some sketchy weather to make it before the event ended and, thankfully, i did.

I came home exhausted. Lots of people. Lots of rain. Getting lost in the boondocks. It’s not my thing. My prince and the kiddos spent all day filling the back of the truck with boxes and packing away our storage unit. They had to take things from the attic, to the floor, to the truck, to the unit. They worked hard. They got all but 2 boxes!  We were all pooped. We ate some pizza and then sat to watch a movie. somewhere in there, 13 jokingly told me i was crashing their boys night. my response was not much short of “tough shit, i live here.”

i told them I couldn’t make it through a movie and said I guess I could just sleep in my room instead of on the couch. Then i fell asleep on the couch. Next to my husband and with the kids playing nearby. That’s perfection to me. relaxing with my family.

But shortly after, my husband got up and changed seats. Wake up 1. Then can’t remember my code to my card to order a movie. Wake up 2. Then 9 decides to ask if i am going to sleep in my room instead of on the couch (Wake up 3)- which shouldn’t matter, only 2 people were watching the movie and there were more than 2 seats available. So i freaked.

Why can’t i sleep where i want.

Why can’t i sit by my husband.

Why can’t you just let me sleep.

Why does it matter where i sleep? Is this really a problem?

so i scream. i tell them they all have hurt me because i’m clearly not important enough to have warranted even a text message for Mother’s Day. That i am tired of feeling like an outsider and like i am unwelcome and unwanted. i tell them they hurt me and i’m tired of it. and i swore a few times. and 9 hid under his blanket.

and i felt this big.

i can’t sleep when i am mad at my husband. i can’t sleep when i have been a jerk. so i sat outside in the rain and tried to calm my nerves. finally went and sat with them to watch the weirdest kid movie. finally got my husband to talk to me and hear me ( i think).

it is exhausting being in this undefined position with undefined roles but very defined parameters.

I woke up on Sunday puffy eyed and a little relieved. We had a good day together.

We rescued a raccoon this weekend and encountered all sorts of family drama, but all of sunday with the kids was FUN. and i think they forgive me for being a monster.

13 back talked and sassed me and my response was, “THIS IS ALLOWED?” because PC was right next to him. and my prince finally defended me.

i guess there’s hope. it’s just really hard.

Avocado & Egg Toast

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Okay Friends,

I’m here with another Step Momma Meals. This one is super easy, but it has changed my life.

We use fresh farm eggs in our house, so sometimes they are itty bitty. So I use two eggs when making my avocado and eggs.IMG_8715

And I use one half of a ripened avocado.IMG_8717IMG_8719

First things first. Cook your eggs. I like mine to be fried- though i should admit that my first fried egg was only about one month ago.IMG_8720

While your egg is frying, put your whole wheat slice of toast in the toaster for about 2 minutes. I like mine crispier because the eggs and avocado are so mushy. Then take one half of your avocado (the pit-less one). With a fork, mash it up inside of the avocado. IMG_8724

When your toast is done, skip the butter! Put your mashed avocado directly on your toast like so.IMG_8726IMG_8728

Top with your fried egg and hope it doesn’t look like a scrambled egg like mine 🙂IMG_8729IMG_8730

Eat with a fork. It’s delicious, nutritious and very simple to make!

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Tip:

Take your leftover half of avocado and drizzle OLIVE OIL on the bright green center. Cover it completely. Wrap tight with either plastic wrap or a plastic bag that is free of air. It should keep your avocado for up to 72 hours once placed back in the fridge.

This simple meal makes for an easy breakfast. I usually will be blending my morning protein shake while making this and by the time the toast pops, i have a shake in hand and am ready to take the day head on. It’s so incredibly filling and leaves you feeling GOOD instead of wanting more or greasy, like a granola bar or hash brown may do to you.

what to do when mothers day doesn’t happen

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I’m still a little bit shocked and still a little bit baffled by Mother’s Day. You probably read my Last Post and some of the initial fears and dislikes I have about Mother’s Day in general, but it got a little bit worse when all of the fears came true.

the fear of my sweet little skids forgetting about me, even though their schools are shoving Mother’s Day down their throats. the fear of them not even sending a weird text message or asking their dad to tell me HMD, since they wouldn’t be with us. the fear of getting in front of the church and standing next to the moms who have their kids with them and have their shiny new mother’s day jewlery hanging off their necks and wrists. those fears. they’re incredibly stupid but incredibly real.

and they came to fruition Sunday.

When we slept in and rolled out of bed to get ready for church. when my friends texted me Happy Mother’s Day wishes and even my own dad, but my prince didn’t muster the words. When we walked into the church and you could see it on people’s faces, “oh, I guess you are kinda a mom. happy mother’s day.”  When the Associate pastor gave us our weird “meet and greet” time instructions, it was “Tell someone Happy Mother’s Day!” and that was the first time my prince said it to me. you could tell he forgot that i do mother his kids.

When 13 called my prince 4 times in one day to see if we would pick up some flowers to bring to him, to give to his mom. and didn’t pass on a “HMD” via telephone. he was already sneaking away from his mom. when the 4 phone calls turned into seven.

When we went shopping and my prince asked for help to pick out flowers for their mom. and i grew quite the attitude because i still hadn’t heard one peep. he asked “do you want some flowers?” no. i dont want your dang sympathy flowers. i wanted you to pick one from our porch and pretend the boys got it for me. or to suggest to them one of the 7 times they called that they buy a single flower for me, or write a card, or shout hello through the phone. no i dont want to spend my own money on my own flowers. no.

or when we drove to my husband’s exes house to deliver fresh mother’s day flowers on her door step. and then drove to my mother in law’s house and she shared how the sermon that morning at church was about Martha and Mary and how birthing a child is not the only way for a woman to mother. Birthing a child is not mothering. and i replied with “WHAT A CONCEPT!” and the replies i got were furrowed brows.

it really stung. i don’t NEED gifts. i dont really even want fake gifts. i just really wanted to be thought of, the first year that they were with their mom for mother’s day. i wanted them to consider me. especially since i just confessed to my husband that being in this role is so incredibly hard and lonesome and i feel so useless and dreaded, most of the time.

not a flower. not a card. not a text.

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