There’s a lot of days that the guilt of not being good enough weighs on me.
I have this husband who is so physically able to do practically everything. He is talented, he is rooted in his faith. He is crazy about his kids. He is a perfectionist almost to a fault. He’s an amazing cook and has a genuine smile and heart. He is my entire world.
I have these kids that strive to impress their parents. They work hard (sometimes) and they want to use their creative little minds to show that they care for mom and dad. They love their nephew fiercely. They love each other hard. They love their time together, even when they’re sick of one another. They’re starting to get excited about moving into a new house and it makes my heart so happy.
And then there’s me.
I am rocky. I am unstable. I am wavering. My life shifts drastically each week and my head can’t keep up. It’s a constant emotional rollercoaster. And I don’t know where to go.
Most people, I think?, go to their parents for advice when it comes to parenting. My mom has forgotten what it means to be a parent and doesn’t even know my kids’ names. My dad always says, “You knew what you were getting into.” “I’m so glad I never did the step parent thing,” except he did, he just chose to not acknowledge that even if the kids are grown- they are still yours.
Yes. I knew I was walking into a marriage with a man who had children and a previous life before me.
I knew it would hurt.
I knew it wouldn’t be easy all the time.
But sometimes it’s hard all the time.
Sometimes I shake my head and wonder why on earth this man got on one knee for me? I am unable to handle life with a teenager. I am unable to handle life that is not constant. I am unable to handle change. I am an anxious ball of everything. I am all over the place.