Lets be honest. Nobody really celebrates the real meaning of Thanksgiving. You know, the pigrims, the hats, the journey to America things. We just don’t. We celebrate family. Days off. Shopping. Having jobs. You know, we celebrate what we like.
But what about the holidays has made it so tough for those of us who have lost? I read on a former teacher’s Facebook page the other day that “grief is what happens when you still have love for someone and nowhere else for it to go.” it’s like your heart is bubbling over for someone and there’s no where to put the goop that runs over. And it feels so true.
I feel like there is a giant hole. There is. Having lost my step dad this year has been so odd. There are times that i don’t really.. remember or think about it and that kills me when i finally say, “Guess that CAN’T happen.” Today, driving to my dad’s house, about 8 minutes from arrival my eyes welled up. The kids were all laughing and having fun in the car. my husband was talking to me. and it just hit me. I thought i was going to lose it and i just wasn’t ready to walk in and sob. But i pulled myself together and just said out loud, ” i don’t really want to cry today.” Too bad.
I wanted to walk in and see my dear old marvin sitting in the corner seat of my dad’s purple couch, one leg tucked under his arm. Probably in a t shirt and sweat pants or a t shirt and jeans. very casual. A warm, “Hi, sweetie” would have followed as we walked in. I miss his black hair. I miss his funny moustache. I miss teasing him about what ethnicity he was because he ALWAYS said he wasn’t mexican but there is no way he wasn’t. I miss how casual he was. I miss his laugh and his smile. I miss the way he teased my dad. And i miss him a whole lot today.
What is thanksgiving if your family has a hole in it? Is it a day where everyone tip toes around, trying not to bring up the sad reality we all know? Is it a day where we openly weep? Where we save a spot for dear old marvin and hope that somehow, his joyful heart will have a presence there? What is it?
Sometimes it’s hard to see through the tough times and find joy. Today i’m struggling. And i’m sorry.
I have a brand new, amazing home, which is bigger than what we need and has more land than we’ve ever even dreamed of. My husband is hunting on it right now. We have two running vehicles and each have jobs. Our kids are safe, with their mom. We have love. We have good relationships. All our parents are alive and so are our siblings. We’re all relatively healthy. Our cupboards are FULL and the heat is on. I can turn the lights on (But am currently sitting by candlelight). I have happy puppies and both have a good bill of health, finally. How can I not be grateful? How can I not be full?
We were almost home and we saw a homeless man standing in shorts on the side of the road. It’s not even 40 degrees out and there is a good amount of sharp wind. It’s thanksgiving and he’s outside, begging for help. Now, i am NOT one to pass my dollars to every homeless guy i see. by no means. but he pulled at my heart strings. where are his pants? why did i empty the clothes out of the back seat, he could use that shirt i don’t want! i have a blanket, stop the car and let me get out to give it to him “calm down.” I ask my husband for all his cash and we give this man $20 and find out he’s got a friend he’s staying with. his mom had a heart attack and they lost the house shortly after. We told him to be safe. happy thanksgiving. and he told us God bless you. we pulled away and i sobbed.
my mom doesn’t own her own car. she doesn’t have a home. she’s living out of her work vehicle and drives a taxi for a living. she’s been homeless for two years and i haven’t seen her in a long time. my heart is just broken today.
i’m so sad that i’m not full of joy and thanksgiving today, and i don’t know how to share this but in here.
Thanksgiving isn’t the same when your family isn’t near by.
It’s not the same when you blog, alone at your kitchen table.
I miss my mom and i miss my marvin.
i am so grateful for the things i mentioned a minute ago. we had a nice dinner last night and breakfast today. i saw my family and our kids. and i am so grateful for them. today i am just very, incredibly sad.