Up & down
& side to side
This way and that.
Oh, how heart strings can be pulled.
A few weeks ago, I had finally started feeling like we had “it” figured out. Like our family was over the hump of learning these ‘new’ (3 + years old) dynamics. That we were finally a real family.
I was sorely wrong.
One of the kids is doing terribly in school (again) and I can’t mentally take it anymore. I hate that i am a parent of a student that is just like the kids i used to tutor in high school.
-we ask if there’s homework there never is any
-we assign extra study time it takes hours to finally convince him to sit down
-we assign reading time if he actually reads..
We have taken away tablets. we have taken away all forms of entertainment. We have given extra chores. we have threatened private school. we have removed phone privileges. we make him keep his electronics downstairs, away from him. we praise the other one, who is doing better. we give the other one perks. What else is there?
I feel so wrong in saying it, but i want this kid to get a beat down. Not punch-him-in-the-face kind of beat down, but enough to remind him that he’s the child who doesn’t make good decisions and we’re the parents who see what’s best for him.
Last time a spanking was threatened, my prince texted their mom and asked for permission (WHAT?). Who would grant permission? Especially in another house? Who would actually say “YEAH GET HIM!” and encourage it? So he didn’t.
I’ve sat down with 14 and told him i’m disappointed. that i know he is so capable of more. i’ve threatened to remove his door, screw by screw, because privacy is the only thing that’s left and the only thing i am capable of removing from his life. after all, he’s 14. privacy isn’t really a thing anyway.
Shortly after this conversation, on a ride home from work, kids in tow (while sound asleep), my Prince snuck in that he doesn’t want me to have any role in discipline anymore. That when we got married, i agreed to him as the disciplinarian. That’s how things should be.
No mind that two years ago, he told me it was okay for me to have a role.
Nor that my Prince frequently is outside, away from the kids- leaving me as the one to determine how things go.
No mind that we’ve been married almost four years now.
No mind at all.
So in the past few weeks I have moved from a mountain high- feeling as if we had it all. Feeling confident. Happy in our home. Happy in our space. Happy with our family
to a valley of lows
feeling insignificant. feeling worthless, useless, and completely unneeded. He also reminded me that he CAN do it on his own. Something he doesn’t usually forget to keep out of the conversation. So i am reminded that no, I’m not needed. He can do it. He is capable. i am actually not needed. I am actually extra space. i am actually an addition to the problem.
he’d rather they hate him
i’d rather be the hated step parent than be the wife of the father they hate. i’d rather they hate me and love the poop out of their dad.
no, i don’t want to be THE disciplinarian, of course not. but i want to be able to address situations as they come.
there is never time to discuss.
rather, the right time. it’s too late. the kids are home. it’s dinner time. the tv’s on. i want to work outside. i don’t want to sit here. you can’t force me to talk to you.
there is never time.
So here i am. an empty shell.
trying to turn my nights of feeling lost into nights that I dig into God’s word. This is a method I haven’t yet tried, though I know it’s the best. My church is doing nightly readings and they have a plan they’ve shared with us. I’m trying to commit to it and read the daily chapter. Trying to involve my prince. if i read, that’s more time i’m silent. if i read, that’s more time I get to know my savior. what bad could possibly come from this? i’m ashamed it’s taken me 28 years to carve out time to read even a mere chapter per night. now is better than any other time.
so here i am. an empty shell. waiting for His direction. He immediately told me to submit. to do what i’m being asked. not to be spiteful. so my tongue almost has holes in it from me biting my words. my head hangs a little lower. my insides are upside down. and now we’re learning a new journey.
here we go.