finding the good in me, without affirmations

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Self-worth. What a concept.

I used to be this empty shell, this person who lived off of her self and honestly didn’t care about the opinions or actions or anything that involved another person. I was plenty fineĀ  with myself to be apathetic about my day to day interactions and that was enough. but now. now this is hard.

It’s a real life, daily struggle to find value in my personhood. As a follower of Christ- I can easily look throughout scripture and be reminded that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that the Lord knows the plans He has for me, and that God cares for even the amount of hairs on my head. Those are facts. Those are hard truths that remind me that I have value. That I have something worth breathing for. (see: Psalm 139:13-15, Jeremiah 29:11, Luke 12:6-7 for full verses).

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It’s a daily struggle in this step-mama’s life to find value in what I do.

My entire life has flipped completely upside down in the two years that my Prince and I have been married. Most of the changes haven’t been bad- some of them are great. But they take adjusting. Time. Patience.

I used to measure my worth in the things that I did. How involved I was in certain areas of my life. Whether it was with my church, a sport, school activities, my job, even ways I was involved with my family. That’s where I found my worth, my value.

Let me tell you. Things. Are. Different.

I am no longer a first baseman. Softball isn’t a part of this life.
I’m no longer employed by my church, nor, as of yesterday, in the leadership spectrum.
I am no longer consumed by homework, projects, books, assignments.
I am no longer run ragged every day from serving hundreds of customers. It is not uncommon that my office will not have one visitor in a business day.
My biological family has taken a back seat since I became a part of a new family. They live far away. They are on opposite weekends of us.

So how do i find worth now, since all of those things have changed?

Unfortunately, I rely heavily on how my husband and children respond to me. I value and crave their positive comments, affirmations. I seek them. Sometimes doing extra things, just hoping for a “thank you” or “this is great!” I need it.

I rely on affirmations. But I shouldn’t.
Relying on affirmations allows me to be broken when I hear critiques. I am a “words of affirmation” girl in all aspects of my life. Work: need affirmation. Love: Need affirmation. Parenting: need affirmation. Being someone’s daughter: need affirmation. I need to be able to check off the box that says “you’re doing well!” before I can move along.

Relying on affirmations as a step parent isn’t good. It’s hard enough for kids to compliment each other, biological parents. Let alone this extra person who hasn’t really been here forever. Affirmations are hard to come by.

I am a work in progress. It’s an interesting time to be thestepmomma. Life is changing. Things are different. i am growing. I hope to find more value in myself in different ways, not relying on the words of others. I think this little cooking journey I’ve been put on is satisfying some of the needs I have, since good food usually brings compliments. I hope to continue to create and learn more skills- which may bring more satisfaction. Keep asking. Keep prodding.

There will be something good in here, some day.

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