a step mom- on mother’s day.

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Apparently everyone is jumping on the Mother’s Day bandwagon right now, even though we’re more than a week out from it. I guess this is when I should write about it, too.

imagesMother’s day is a really, extremely sore spot for me. I’m not excited for it. I don’t have a wish list. I don’t look forward to any part of it. It hurts me. Mother’s day feels like a giant loss for me and there are no possible words for me to even explain this to you, without giving you miles and miles of explanations. So for short:

Mother’s day is a trying time for me. My own mother lives on the other side of the country and told us she was leaving only 10 days before she drove off. Her job didn’t call her there, she convinced them she needed to move. She took a pay cut, drove her own, personal car through the mountains, and increased her monthly bills tremendously. This was 6 years ago.moving-company-reviews-clipart

In these six years, my own mother, who I used to view as this immense source of strength and beauty in a way I couldn’t understand, this woman who had it all and had it all together- she has cracked. She is broken. and she is lost.

 

My own mother suffers from some manic depressive habits and probably schizophrenia, if not a multiple personality disorder. I can’t give you a real diagnosis because she won’t visit a doctor to receive any help. Through these debilitating mental disorders, she has lost the job that she chased after, 2300 miles away. She has lost her home, she has lost her car. and she’s lost a lot of dignity. While there isn’t much else to lose, she is very rapidly losing her children. It’s hard to even say that. I’m not going to go in to grave detail here because it’s far too extravagant to try to explain.

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I have felt, for 6 years, the way a young child with a parent who walked out of their life feels. Abandoned. A little worthless, since it was so simple to just leave. A lot forgotten. But I’m an adult and I was an adult when she left and I do still have contact with her. But it feels so strange. This is the first year I didn’t call my own mother on Easter. I just couldn’t.

As a step-mom, mother’s day is naturally strange. Two years ago, Mother’s day was only a few days before my Prince and i’s wedding day. So he had the kids make me Mother’s day cards. I got one that said “Happy Mother’s Day-ish” and “Thanks, StepMomma (with my real name inserted.) And it was cute the first time because they still didn’t really know what it meant to have a step mom or what was happening. I’m not sure they really realized I was moving in until I didn’t go home the first night we returned from our honeymoon.

The second Mother’s day, I directly asked them to not send me an “ish” card. That I’d rather have nothing than an “ish” card. Because in all honesty, that “Ish” hurt.. pretty bad. They couldn’t even call me their step mother. i was just Ish. My Prince had them buy me flowers and they picked some out for their mom, too. Snuck into her house and left them on her windowsill. Our church has a Mother’s Day thing every year, where sometimes the kids deliver the flowers to their moms or sometimes they call everyone up in front of the church to have flowers given to them, or sometimes an adult will pass them out while we watch a slideshow of memories of little babies in hospitals and moms kissing their babies cheeks.

I don’t want to stand there. I feel like an outcast. My kids don’t want to buy me flowers, they correct the servers at restaurants that say “Maybe Mom will…”. They can’t stand the idea of me as their mom or as a mother-like influence. And it really crushes me sometimes.

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Mother’s day hurts. And i know that for you, it might hurt in different ways. This year feels different and feels like my kids may actually like me better than they did last year, but i am still a little bit broken on Mother’s day, grieving the loss of my own mother. She’s still alive but she is very much not here. She doesn’t know the names of my kids and hardly knows what I do for a living.

For mother’s day this year, I don’t want a thing. i don’t need a thing. Except maybe a giant hug from my Prince and an “I love you anyway.”

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writehard

Blended Family Series

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http://joeyhtracy.com/relationship-step-childrens-mother/

[During Marriage Having an amicable relationship with your step-children’s mother is important.

I married a man with 4 children. This seemed ideal since I have fertility issues and don’t know if I will ever be able to have children of my own. He is an absolutely wonderful father, although fidelity is not one of his strong suits. I found this out after 2 years of marriage. When I married this man I knew he came with 4 beautiful children. This also meant that there would be an ex-wife to deal with…………….]

To My Kids’ Other Mother

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Often times I am confronted with questions of how I am able to step back or how am I able to “share” to of my most precious gifts with someone in our situations. The answer is easy… God has opened my heart and mind in a way mortality can’t comprehend. I know ultimately all four parents involved want what is best for the children. 

There are times when I wonder if I matter to the kids, but the peaceful reassurance of the Spirit reminds me that each parent in our children’s lives plays a part and a role in their growth and development. I honestly believe there are no accidents.

 

#blendedfamilyseries

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To My Kids’ Other Mother,

Gratitude, respect, honor, and faith are words that quickly come to mind as I think of the mother you are to our two beautiful children. I have often referred to you as the “North Star” for the kids. You give them things I have not been able to. Divinity has been a key component in bringing to pass the reality of today.

When sister called me back in 2010 mentioning she was at the park playing with Dad and Joey, my heart skipped a beat. I heard the joy in her voice and knew this new person in her life must have been someone special. Then a short first meeting in the USU extension parking lot validated that validated you were in our lives, and that allowed me to open my heart and mind to a reflection and spiritual journey I had no idea I was about to embark upon.

Often times I am confronted with questions of how I am able to step back or how am I able to “share” to of my most precious gifts with someone in our situations. The answer is easy… God has opened my heart and mind in a way mortality can’t comprehend. I know ultimately all four parents involved want what is best for the children. 

There are times when I wonder if I matter to the kids, but the peaceful reassurance of the Spirit reminds me that each parent in our children’s lives plays a part and a role in their growth and development. I honestly believe there are no accidents.

I look at sister and how far she has come. You have pushed her and encouraged her more than I could. My natural reaction is to protect but I have learned from you, allowing them to grow is good! I see brother and how he pushes all of us with his independence, and it makes me smile. I know it will take all of us to guide his creativity. Oh, how I am grateful that God’s goodness has allowed all of us to enjoy His two precious children.

I love how we laugh, and I love how we communicate. I am grateful we are a united front and know there is not a better formula for our kids in our situation and I look forward to that in the future.

Sending my gratitude to you!

Crystal

Ignorance is bliss, or is it?

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There was a time I was hanging out with some people from work on a Saturday night. “Where are the kids at?” one of them asked me, “They are at their mom’s house until tomorrow.” — “Ohhhhhhhhh, so you aren’t a REAL mom then.” Um. Excuse me? Who the hell says something like that to someone? I take into consideration that this person is not a parent before I answered, because as I have found out, people just aren’t educated about step families and blended families. But that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt.

#blendedfamilyseries

Not the Average Mama

ignorance

When I became a stepmom I knew there would be a lot of hurdles to over come and obstacles I would need to navigate around. What I didn’t think would happen was the ignorant comments that come out of strangers and even friend’s mouths.

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ig·no·rant -adjective -

>> lacking knowledge or awareness in general; uneducated or unsophisticated.

“he was told constantly that he was ignorant and stupid”

>> lacking knowledge, information, or awareness about something in particular.

“they were ignorant of astronomy”

>> discourteous or rude.

“this ignorant, pin-brained receptionist”

That is the dictionary definition of the word ignorant.

Let me give you a play by play of how a conversation might go with a fellow mom (FM) on the playground.

FM: Aren’t they cute, are those two yours?

Me: Yup, every inch of them.

FM: Wow, you look great for having two kids.

Me:…

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Successful Co-Parenting Tips

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” Don’t use your kids as messengers or any other form of communication with the other parent. That’s not their job, their job is to be a kid, not handle adult situations. ”

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Not the Average Mama

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Co-parenting is a tricky world to navigate around. There are a lot of people who love this child and want what’s best for them. Over the past six years I have learned different techniques and tips on how to be a successful co-parent. I may not be the biological mom in this situation, but I am a parent involved in helping raise two kids, so my voice and my actions matter too.

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Putting the Child’s Needs First:

You will be in awkward situations with the other parent at times, and tension might begin to rise, but look around you, the kids are watching you and they can feel that tension too. Check your ego at the door. Put your emotions, anger, and resentment aside and focus on what is best for your child. In the end this is why you are co-parenting in the first place, because this is what’s…

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Damn! Where is that Scapegoat When I need it? … The role of Stepparents is most Blended Families

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“I have been talked about and criticized for filling out school forms the children asked for my help with. As I have driven the children from on activity to another and made some suggestions and comments, I was made fun of that I was “too parenty”. Despite being the champion for getting my stepdaughter braces, guitar lessons, and enrollment in drama camp, I have been told by her that I am “the cause of all her suffering” and that she “can not” treat me well because she “hates” me. “………..

Soul Healing Art

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I was reading a book the other day. A memoir written by a young woman. It was humorous, alarming, and triumphant in turns.
A passage that struck me though was when she was writing about one of her father’s girlfriends.

The situation was not a positive one. There was much anger, limited resources, and confused energy on all sides.

At one point, according to the writer’s memory, her father’s girlfriend told her (I believe the author was 14 years old or so at the time), that she no longer needed to pay for things for the young woman nor give her any money.

Oh the drama! The pain! Look at the abuse! Look at how she was treated by the girlfriend/pseudo-stepmom. How dare a grown woman tell a young child, such as the author was at this time, that she was unwilling to care for this child financially?

I am…

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