I’m not sure what to share or what to write about today.
I could tell you how I blew my top this weekend and crossed a line and caused a lot of trouble. but it’s all smoothed over, so I won’t.
I could tell you how I’ve begged and pleaded for help dealing with a 13 year old and haven’t had any relief yet.
I could tell you how we put on a graduation party all by ourselves last week, with little to no help and I almost lost my mind, but it’s done, so why would I?
So today I guess I’ll just tell you that I’m too much.
I want my husband to love me too much.
I want my kids to hug me or to wave goodbye when they leave.
I want my kids to know to hang their clothes up when I put them on their bed, not just go to sleep underneath them.
I want my dogs to stop running off and for Lyla to stop losing weight.
I want to be the best at everything I do. Even though I’m usually the worst.
I’m too much emotion, too much everything. My mind wanders and my emotions follow. When I started taking birth control 2ish years ago, I all of a sudden started crying when babies were born and people got married and if my husband looked at me too sternly. And now I’m a ball of emotion and I can’t hold back tears.
My mind does what it wants, not what I want it to. I lost control of my mind about 5 years ago and I can’t help it when it makes me crack.
I can’t help that I get overwhelmed or that loud noises scare me or that I am now easily startled.
I can’t help that I am anxiety prone and for the last 5 years it has felt like one big anxiety attack.
I can’t help that my love language is quality time and that I require hugs from my husband when I can’t keep it all together.
I am too much because I require a lot.
I sort of have special needs. Like silence and time away, but not too much time because I don’t like to be alone. I need to feel loved and validated. and I like gifts and surprises and I like extra hugs and hand holds, and I like being boasted up and special love notes. I like it all and I require it all to have a full love tank.
I’m too much because it’s not just one thing that I require.
I’m too much because I have hardly any friends and definitely none who get it.
I’m too much because I love my dad and wish I could hug him to fix his broken heart.
I’m too much because I can’t handle other people’s issues right now, because mine are enough on their own.
I’m just too much for anybody right now and that is tough.