Days off.

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I always feel like a monster when I tell people that I’m not excited for the kids to come back over yet. There’s a part of me that misses their smiles and their creativity, their energy. But there’s a bigger part that has not recouped from the last week long visit, and she’s not ready for more chaos.

I teeter on the line of being an introvert and an extrover, I’m what they call an ambivert. I really enjoy coming home to an empty house- but only for about 35 minutes and then I start getting anxious from being alone. I start to miss my husband. I don’t like the quiet. I don’t like the solitude. I get lonesome. I need to be surrounded.  But being surrounded by my husband is much different than being surrounded by kids.

Tonight, we are getting ready to have some Nigerian friends over. They’re amazing people. We’re on night 3 of our week off, except they were there on Monday when I got home- which is okay, but it’s not really quite like coming home to silence. And tonight they’ll be with us. And i’m not ready.

I’m not ready to entertain  and i’m not ready to hear the kids whine and complain about being there, we’re confident that 13 is going to cheat the rules we set for his grounding and do all the things he’s grounded from while his mom is at work.  i’m not ready to have them up after their regular bed time and to hear 9 cry if he stubs his toe. i’m just not ready.

i’m not sure how else to convey this to my Prince. I’ve told him time and time again that I think one of us is going to lose it if we do this week on/week off thing. I’m drained. HE spent most of the week with them, but i am still drained. When they nag at him and pull on him and irritate him, he gets weighed down and then that is put on me. Not intentionally of course, but that”s how it naturally goes.

i need recoup days. i need to have monday nights with no work. a night with my husband and me and thats it. but instead

Monday night I came home to kids lighting fireworks and my indoor candles being burned outside. I told them 17 times to clean their room and wash/fold/put away their clothes on Monday and my Prince gave them other chores, so i came home to a dirty room with no laundry done- except what was in the washer and what would be left for me to do. i was irritated. yes, they cleaned the countertops and behind all of the junk on the counter, they did the dishes and they cleaned the bathroom but there was a reason i wanted their rooms cleaned and it didn’t happen.

When they left, i walked in the house and there was a pile of boxed up goods. which meant we were going to the storage unit (a good thing but.. no relaxation). So we don’t get   home until after 8:00 and then finally sit down to watch my husband’s favorite show.  i fall asleep after 1 episode and can’t tell you what happened.

Tuesday, I came home and worked on my photos/videos from a wedding in May that needs to be sent out, washed the boys’ clothes, did the dishes, cleaned the counters, made our bed and tidied up the living room. a lot can happen in one night. i sat down to do more wedding work and my husband came home and started giving me chores to do. so i cleaned the entire living room area. it was a lot. i made us breakfast for dinner and then we left to go to his parents’ house to drop some stuff off. then we went to the store and didnt get home until 10:00. the night was over.

tonight, we’ll have 6 or 8 people in our home. my husband will rush around like a mad man until we are all sitting down to eat. the kids will be irritated that we aren’t spending time with them, though we have international guests here to see US and its a privilege for them to be in our home.

there is no break time. there is no down time. this is not a week off.

i’m starting to really feel like i’m not cut out for this kid life. how do i do it?

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4 thoughts on “Days off.

  1. I know what u are feeling. I’m not married but I have been with my bf for 6 yrs. he has a son that I consider my own, he has full custody. I miss him terribly but I kinda like him not being around. it’s no responsibility for anyone other than myself. no whining, complaining or making sure chores are done.
    I doubt myself every day about if I’m cut out to be a step mom. I wish I had advice for you but I don’t bc I’m trying to figure it out as well. all I have to offer is support and friendship as we both go thru this.

    Liked by 1 person

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