I did that thing again.
Where I lose my cool and scream until I don’t even know what I’m screaming about.
We got a knock at our door at 8am Saturday morning and then proceeded to sit on the porch for an hour with an in law. Sleepy eyed, braless, uncaffeinated. Too much for 8am. My prince and the in law left to do some errands and to have some one on one time. I counted the minutes until I was supposed to leave for a baby shower 90 minutes away. Called my best friend to tell her i didn’t know if i could make it (which means I crushed her), and then rage cleaned the entire house before the kids even got out of bed.
My prince arrived promptly at the time the shower started. So I headed out and tried my darndest to make it on time. We all went separate ways on Saturday. I drove through some sketchy weather to make it before the event ended and, thankfully, i did.
I came home exhausted. Lots of people. Lots of rain. Getting lost in the boondocks. It’s not my thing. My prince and the kiddos spent all day filling the back of the truck with boxes and packing away our storage unit. They had to take things from the attic, to the floor, to the truck, to the unit. They worked hard. They got all but 2 boxes! We were all pooped. We ate some pizza and then sat to watch a movie. somewhere in there, 13 jokingly told me i was crashing their boys night. my response was not much short of “tough shit, i live here.”
i told them I couldn’t make it through a movie and said I guess I could just sleep in my room instead of on the couch. Then i fell asleep on the couch. Next to my husband and with the kids playing nearby. That’s perfection to me. relaxing with my family.
But shortly after, my husband got up and changed seats. Wake up 1. Then can’t remember my code to my card to order a movie. Wake up 2. Then 9 decides to ask if i am going to sleep in my room instead of on the couch (Wake up 3)- which shouldn’t matter, only 2 people were watching the movie and there were more than 2 seats available. So i freaked.
Why can’t i sleep where i want.
Why can’t i sit by my husband.
Why can’t you just let me sleep.
Why does it matter where i sleep? Is this really a problem?
so i scream. i tell them they all have hurt me because i’m clearly not important enough to have warranted even a text message for Mother’s Day. That i am tired of feeling like an outsider and like i am unwelcome and unwanted. i tell them they hurt me and i’m tired of it. and i swore a few times. and 9 hid under his blanket.
and i felt this big.
i can’t sleep when i am mad at my husband. i can’t sleep when i have been a jerk. so i sat outside in the rain and tried to calm my nerves. finally went and sat with them to watch the weirdest kid movie. finally got my husband to talk to me and hear me ( i think).
it is exhausting being in this undefined position with undefined roles but very defined parameters.
I woke up on Sunday puffy eyed and a little relieved. We had a good day together.
We rescued a raccoon this weekend and encountered all sorts of family drama, but all of sunday with the kids was FUN. and i think they forgive me for being a monster.
13 back talked and sassed me and my response was, “THIS IS ALLOWED?” because PC was right next to him. and my prince finally defended me.
i guess there’s hope. it’s just really hard.