a step mom- on mother’s day.

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Apparently everyone is jumping on the Mother’s Day bandwagon right now, even though we’re more than a week out from it. I guess this is when I should write about it, too.

imagesMother’s day is a really, extremely sore spot for me. I’m not excited for it. I don’t have a wish list. I don’t look forward to any part of it. It hurts me. Mother’s day feels like a giant loss for me and there are no possible words for me to even explain this to you, without giving you miles and miles of explanations. So for short:

Mother’s day is a trying time for me. My own mother lives on the other side of the country and told us she was leaving only 10 days before she drove off. Her job didn’t call her there, she convinced them she needed to move. She took a pay cut, drove her own, personal car through the mountains, and increased her monthly bills tremendously. This was 6 years ago.moving-company-reviews-clipart

In these six years, my own mother, who I used to view as this immense source of strength and beauty in a way I couldn’t understand, this woman who had it all and had it all together- she has cracked. She is broken. and she is lost.

 

My own mother suffers from some manic depressive habits and probably schizophrenia, if not a multiple personality disorder. I can’t give you a real diagnosis because she won’t visit a doctor to receive any help. Through these debilitating mental disorders, she has lost the job that she chased after, 2300 miles away. She has lost her home, she has lost her car. and she’s lost a lot of dignity. While there isn’t much else to lose, she is very rapidly losing her children. It’s hard to even say that. I’m not going to go in to grave detail here because it’s far too extravagant to try to explain.

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I have felt, for 6 years, the way a young child with a parent who walked out of their life feels. Abandoned. A little worthless, since it was so simple to just leave. A lot forgotten. But I’m an adult and I was an adult when she left and I do still have contact with her. But it feels so strange. This is the first year I didn’t call my own mother on Easter. I just couldn’t.

As a step-mom, mother’s day is naturally strange. Two years ago, Mother’s day was only a few days before my Prince and i’s wedding day. So he had the kids make me Mother’s day cards. I got one that said “Happy Mother’s Day-ish” and “Thanks, StepMomma (with my real name inserted.) And it was cute the first time because they still didn’t really know what it meant to have a step mom or what was happening. I’m not sure they really realized I was moving in until I didn’t go home the first night we returned from our honeymoon.

The second Mother’s day, I directly asked them to not send me an “ish” card. That I’d rather have nothing than an “ish” card. Because in all honesty, that “Ish” hurt.. pretty bad. They couldn’t even call me their step mother. i was just Ish. My Prince had them buy me flowers and they picked some out for their mom, too. Snuck into her house and left them on her windowsill. Our church has a Mother’s Day thing every year, where sometimes the kids deliver the flowers to their moms or sometimes they call everyone up in front of the church to have flowers given to them, or sometimes an adult will pass them out while we watch a slideshow of memories of little babies in hospitals and moms kissing their babies cheeks.

I don’t want to stand there. I feel like an outcast. My kids don’t want to buy me flowers, they correct the servers at restaurants that say “Maybe Mom will…”. They can’t stand the idea of me as their mom or as a mother-like influence. And it really crushes me sometimes.

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Mother’s day hurts. And i know that for you, it might hurt in different ways. This year feels different and feels like my kids may actually like me better than they did last year, but i am still a little bit broken on Mother’s day, grieving the loss of my own mother. She’s still alive but she is very much not here. She doesn’t know the names of my kids and hardly knows what I do for a living.

For mother’s day this year, I don’t want a thing. i don’t need a thing. Except maybe a giant hug from my Prince and an “I love you anyway.”

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10 thoughts on “a step mom- on mother’s day.

  1. To thestepmomma….I too, am a stepmomma, and I feel some what like you regarding the stepkids. My step kids were taken away from their so called mom in 2013, labeled Unfit. Everyone moved into my home when their dad and I married in 2014, and it has been real hard. They still call me by my first name, I do not know if it bothers me or not though, maybe. I mean, I feel that I have been more of a MOM than the woman that gave birth to them. They were not taught anything positive and everything negative. They were taught to steal, lie and are pretty good manipulators. They lived with someone that had no ambition in life, so they too are the same. The younger two have gotten better, but the older one -not a chance. She has severe ADHD that was not treated, anxiety, depression, and really not mature for her age. At 15 would rather sit and watch SpongeBob all day! Went to school maybe 6 months out of the year, while the youngest went 14 days of kindergarten when they lived with mom. Of course the youngest had to repeat that year.
    The oldest is lazy (there is the no ambition) and would do anything to get out of doing something that is asked of her. Everytime she is told to do something we get “I gotta go to the bathroom”. And school forget it, does not want to even try, she would throw her homework away while walking to get on the bus and tell us she had no homework. She is in special-ed classes and does not even care to pass, has more time than others to complete her projects and can not even do that. The school offers a Youth bridge program where she gets counseling during school hours. She has her therapist wrapped around her finger. I had to go into the school AGAIN, and talk the vice-principal to return some tools that she stole out of her art class where I was informed that she has a pretty long RAP sheet already- in the school. Not the first time she has had sticky fingers. She has thrown rocks and broke windows while at school so she had to complete community service, skipped class and so on….too much to list. All this time I have had to deal with all of her FITS of getting in trouble who does she worship? Thats right her real mom-the one that could not get her life together for her kids! I stepped in to be their mom and teach them all right from wrong. Dad spent 10,000 to get them with him and give them a life they deserve instead of living in a car or having to dumpster dive, which she thought was fun.
    Mom is not allowed to call our home phone only my husbands cell because I do not want to be a part of her games. My husband and I have been threatened with harm if anything happens to her kids. Mom once told me that if I ever lose one of my family members that I need to think of her laughing. Sick person I tell ya! She calls and talks to the kids about how much she likes poop. Thats right poop. What kind of adult talks to their kids about that? How about how is school? How are you doing? They got Christmas presents in March! She was sending dirty, smelly and stained thrift store clothes, and had to be told to stop since we buy them new clothes from a regular store.
    I could go on and on about my life as a stepmomma it’s the pits! Will I ever be thought of as MOM? or just the woman that dad married?
    I do have three boys of my own that are all raised and living their own life and I am here trying to get these kids through school while MOM is living her life without her kids she gave up. What do I get? more grey hair that’s right!
    I am sorry to read about your mother, but we can not do anything for people that do not want help, but pray for them. I have lost a sister to her drug abuse while seeing her picture of the front page of our newspaper or hearing her name on the local news. Nothing I could say or do would help her at all.
    I know nothing I could say about your mother will help because I am not you. We all have our own feelings. But I will pray for you, if you will do the same for me. My name is Lisa –nice to meet ya

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    • In my experience- no, you will not be “Mom.” they have a mom. Even if she isn’t the best mom, she is still their mom. but you are a motherly figure in their life, no doubt about it. you are important to their lives and to their upbringing and are valuable to them, even if they don’t know how to say it yet. Keep on sister, time and the Lord will heal the wounds and bring reconciliation and the love we need in our families. Keep praying for your kids.

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  2. It was heartbreaking to read this, you really must have a hard time. However, I believe one day they will start to call you mom, because they’d realise how important you are in their lives!

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    • I don’t ever want them to call me mom, i’m not their mom. their mom is involved, she is active, she is very much a part of their lives. Just want them to not be embarrassed or confused or ashamed of the step family status we have and not be so quick to correct those who don’t know. I’m the mothering figure they have when their Mom is not around, is it so terrible for someone to mistake me as their real mom?

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  3. Its a complicated area….being a step parent. Being a married in factor after the fact. It took years for my husbands kids to figure out what THEY wanted to refer to me as. How THEY wanted to introduce me. I am also a product of a child with a step parent. I don’t by any factor think of my Dad as a step parent now……but it took a long time to bring my defenses down. Mainly because for most of my childhood my mom raised us on her own. She didn’t date or even talk about it ever being a factor ever. But she met my now Dad and the rest is part of history. I have a younger brother because my Mom decided she wanted another kid. Big move and I was and am 110% behind my moms decision. My brother is an amazing person.

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  4. Happy Mother’s Day! You know that I’m just catching up on my posts. It’s hard being a stepmom and it’s harder when boundaries are crossed with adults. However, I agree that they shouldn’t get you ish cards. You deserve more than that. You are a mother to them even if you’re not biological. From a different perspective, it’s hard for me because my ex-husband’s new girlfriend told our son to call her Diva Mom. I shut that ish down immediately. I told my son that was inappropriate and he has one mother and one father. He’s known this woman less than a year and she should have more respect for me because I primarily support my son. But, they didn’t want to talk to me about it so it is a strained relationship. I don’t hate her. I don’t know her, but my son calls her Ms. Y because I said so. I did ask him to call her on Mother’s Day to wish her a happy mother’s day because she is a mother and grandmother though.

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    • I never have and never will ask them to call me any sort of mom, except acknowledge that i am their step mom. The only POSSIBLE way i’d ever consider the “mom” title is if i would have come in when they were little and their mom was not present. but that is NOT the case. i have been around almost 4 years, they’re older. they’re old enough to know they have the power to hurt me.

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