You might have noticed that I’m not posting as much as I used to and you might be wondering why. Or you haven’t had a clue and this is sparking the idea for the first time. Either way. Here I am.
I’ve posted a few times about making healthy choices and changing life styles and moving toward better and greater things. I am trying so incredibly hard to stick to that and to let it be a main focus in my life. At the same time, this means that any “down time” I may have is dedicated to other things. Work outs. Finding healthy meals. Taking care of my house. Playing tennis with my husband. Decluttering our house in an effort to find a storage unit that won’t break the bank, nor will it be too small to fit everything that needs to fit in there (which is a LOT).
I am busy in a way that makes me happy most of the time. I feel a sense of accomplishment even if I have a crappy workout. I feel accomplished in my overwhelming fatigue. My muscles are sore and my body is tired. But that’s what rest day is for. I feel accomplished when I make healthy, yummy meals and the whole family is satisfied. I feel accomplished when my husband suggests we play outside and do something positive together instead of turning on a home building show or sitting at a desk all night.
In the life of a step mom, the purpose of this blog, I don’t have a lot to update you on. 12 is now 13. 13 has a cell phone and it is going to be the bane of my existence. 13 thinks that there is entitlement to it and that whatever he decides is how it goes. He thinks that since mom bought it, mom is supreme ruler of all things cell phone and it’s funny because that ain’t how it works, kid. Mom doesn’t get to call you at any time and interfere with what we are doing- giving you a 20 minute break away from chores or a family thing that we are doing. If you have been instructed to put your phone away mom doesn’t get the shiny get out of jail free card. You won’t know that she’s calling or texting because your phone will be put away. If you are grounded, my friend, that includes your annoying, buzzing phone. I am ticked that this 13 year old has a phone and Prince Charming didn’t have a say in it. 13 had a phone two years ago and it broke. Stopped working completely and it was one of those government phones. We were not happy to have to deal with it. We are not happy to deal with this one. Not even close.
It has already caused fights, threatened spankings (I talked PC out of it). Has already caused 13 to cry and to flop himself onto his bed and has already allowed me to threaten breaking it in half and burying it in dog poop.
We fight most weekends. I get really stressed out, I get really anxious. I feel alone when its our weekend with kids. I need “Me” time, even if its when my prince is doing homework in the other room. Or 15 minutes of silence in the morning. I don’t think I was really ready to be a parent two years ago. Especially to a 7 and 11 year old. It’s not natural for a 27 year old girl to have kids aged 9 and 13 year old, we don’t know how to deal with them! It’s my newest realization when the 13 year old horomones start kicking in. I just don’t care. I can sympathize with those emotions but I just can’t deal with them. That kid can be my best friend and he can also be the first person to make me think about walking out the door and saying, sorry, I had the rose colored glasses on. Finally saw what real life was like. (I’m never leaving. But there are certainly times that I have considered walking out and going for a reaaaaaaaaallly long walk.)
Last weekend, social media ruined the surprise 13 had for me. He COULD NOT WAIT to tell me he got a cell phone. ME. not dad. ME. I actually ran out of gas on the highway and had to have my Prince come save me. 13 was waving frantically in the mirror for me to get out of my car and walk to his ON THE HIGHWAY so he could show me his present. He was crushed when his dad told him that his dear mother posted the photos of him in his new birthday digs with his shiny cell phone on Facebook. Crushed. And it made me so happy that he had been SO EXCITED to share with me.
9 is finally starting to be more natural with me. He isn’t as nervous. A couple weeks ago he sat on my lap TWICE over the weekend. He tells me good night. He smiles at me and gets excited to tell me stories. He plays games with me and wants my help.
But i’m doing this thing that i used to when i was a kid. I’m getting scared. and i put my walls up. so when he starts to pull on my hand or ask for direct help i ask him to scoot further away. i get irritated. i get tired of the pull of a 9 year old. and then i regret it immensely later, when i realize that the monster has emerged her ugly head again.
It’s awful to think that I am the reason there is distance between us now.
I don’t know how to stop it. It’s me and my defense mechanisms. People who have hurt me, even if they are seven years old. They get the cold shoulder and they get kicked to the curb. I cannot control it.
What do i do? How do i stop this? How do i switch the knob in my head from “be protective of yourself” to “let the kid in.” How does this even make sense?