D I S T A N C E

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You might have noticed that I’m not posting as much as I used to and you might be wondering why. Or you haven’t had a clue and this is sparking the idea for the first time. Either way. Here I am.

I’ve posted a few times about making healthy choices and changing life styles and moving toward better and greater things. I am trying so incredibly hard to stick to that and to let it be a main focus in my life. At the same time, this means that any “down time” I may have is dedicated to other things. Work outs. Finding healthy meals. Taking care of my house. Playing tennis with my husband. Decluttering our house in an effort to find a storage unit that won’t break the bank, nor will it be too small to fit everything that needs to fit in there (which is a LOT).

I am busy in a way that makes me happy most of the time. I feel a sense of accomplishment even if I have a crappy workout. I feel accomplished in my overwhelming fatigue. My muscles are sore and my body is tired. But that’s what rest day is for. I feel accomplished when I make healthy, yummy meals and the whole family is satisfied. I feel accomplished when my husband suggests we play outside and do something positive together instead of turning on a home building show or sitting at a desk all night.

In the life of a step mom, the purpose of this blog, I don’t have a lot to update you on. 12 is now 13. 13 has a cell phone and it is going to be the bane of my existence. 13 thinks that there is entitlement to it and that whatever he decides is how it goes. He thinks that since mom bought it, mom is supreme ruler of all things cell phone and it’s funny because that ain’t how it works, kid. Mom doesn’t get to call you at any time and interfere with what we are doing- giving you a 20 minute break away from chores or a family thing that we are doing. If you have been instructed to put your phone away mom doesn’t get the shiny get out of jail free card. You won’t know that she’s calling or texting because your phone will be put away. If you are grounded, my friend, that includes your annoying, buzzing phone. I am ticked that this 13 year old has a phone and Prince Charming didn’t have a say in it. 13 had a phone two years ago and it broke. Stopped working completely and it was one of those government phones. We were not happy to have to deal with it. We are not happy to deal with this one. Not even close.

It has already caused fights, threatened spankings (I talked PC out of it). Has already caused 13 to cry and to flop himself onto his bed and has already allowed me to threaten breaking it in half and burying it in dog poop.

We fight most weekends. I get really stressed out, I get really anxious. I feel alone when its our weekend with kids. I need “Me” time, even if its when my prince is doing homework in the other room. Or 15 minutes of silence in the morning.  I don’t think I was really ready to be a parent two years ago. Especially to a 7 and 11 year old. It’s not natural for a 27 year old girl to have kids aged 9 and 13 year old, we don’t know how to deal with them! It’s my newest realization when the 13 year old horomones start kicking in. I just don’t care. I can sympathize with those emotions but I just can’t deal with them. That kid can be my best friend and he can also be the first person to make me think about walking out the door and saying, sorry, I had the rose colored glasses on. Finally saw what real life was like. (I’m never leaving. But there are certainly times that I have considered walking out and going for a reaaaaaaaaallly long walk.)

Last weekend, social media ruined the surprise 13 had for me. He COULD NOT WAIT to tell me he got a cell phone. ME. not dad. ME. I actually ran out of gas on the highway and had to have my Prince come save me. 13 was waving frantically in the mirror for me to get out of my car and walk to his ON THE HIGHWAY so he could show me his present. He was crushed when his dad told him that his dear mother posted the photos of him in his new birthday digs with his shiny cell phone on Facebook. Crushed. And it made me so happy that he had been SO EXCITED to share with me.

9 is finally starting to be more natural with me. He isn’t as nervous. A couple weeks ago he sat on my lap TWICE over the weekend. He tells me good night. He smiles at me and gets excited to tell me stories. He plays games with me and wants my help.

But i’m doing this thing that i used to when i was a kid. I’m getting scared. and i put my walls up. so when he starts to pull on my hand or ask for direct help i ask him to scoot further away. i get irritated. i get tired of the pull of a 9 year old. and then i regret it immensely later, when i realize that the monster has emerged her ugly head again.

It’s awful to think that I am the reason there is distance between us now.

I don’t know how to stop it. It’s me and my defense mechanisms. People who have hurt me, even if they are seven years old. They get the cold shoulder and they get kicked to the curb. I cannot control it.

What do i do? How do i stop this? How do i switch the knob in my head from “be protective of yourself” to “let the kid in.” How does this even make sense?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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10 thoughts on “D I S T A N C E

  1. Yay for faithful exercise and better choices. I’ve been trying to up my activity…moving more. I’m not going to win any marathons but I’m thrilled to be doing something good for myself. Keep it up!💪
    Oh, the phone thing. Yep, that’s happened here with three of the kids (with their mom). But we have pretty strict rules about when and what they can use them for…and the kids respect it (for the most part) when they’re with us.
    I was 38 when I got married. I so hear you when it comes to alone time…it’s a big adjustment. But you are doing amazing at a tough job. Don’t give up. It gets better. It really does.❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks so much!
      I’ve always loved exercising and going to the gym- I stopped once when I strained my knees to a point that working out was harmful for a bit, then fell out of the routine. And then when I got married, I moved 25 minutes away from the closest gym. It always feels so good.
      The phone is so new and so different this type because 13 has a girlfriend and a newly developed attitude. I’m confident it’s going in dog poop this weekend.

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  2. I wish our lives didn’t connote evil. Bad. Wrong. In the way. Replacement. Not wanted. Reminders of bad things for kids. They get away with behavior because of dads guilt. Have you ever been blamed for something your stepkiddo did because you exist? We cannot control what their mom does or thinks. Nor how the son reacts when he IS IN OUR HOUSE. BUT SHE doesn’t belong in our home. I created a boundary with my husband that says – she doesn’t live here. She is not your wife, I am. So keep her out of our house even when 15 and 18 (to use your taxonomy) are here. It’s a really destructive pattern to turn over our day or weekend by calling and installing guilt and aggressive behavior plus the pouting routine. Everyone hurts from that BS. but unfortunately our husbands have to play man in the middle. It’s temporary and only until they are gone from home but isn’t it hard to enforce? Disheartening.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Dad doesn’t have a guilty conscience- the things that happened in the past he has accepted, asked forgiveness for, forgiven himself, and is very open with his kids about. It’s just that there are such different rules at our houses and that mom and dad hardly get along any more. If we call mom, she can’t talk to us- but if she calls us, she will call my husband’s phone, my son’s phone, my house phone and eventually my cell phone to reach us. When we have one evening per week, she will call until she gets through instead of letting us enjoy the time we have with them and calling us when she is with them the other 6 days/week. There’s a lot. She plays a victim and the single mom card REALLY hard and she has the 13 year old wrapped around her finger. I try really hard to reason with him and help him to see that she honestly has more support than we do and that we respect that she works hard and does her job and is actually a great mom, she’s not a great ex.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I understand completely – I have a “spy” who reports the news the way an 18 year old would – to benefit himself, an ex situation that would make you feel so blessed to have the sanity in comparison – Narcissistic Personality Disorder is destructive to the point that one of my husbands sons believes the re-telling of the past that’s been pummeled into his poor 15 year old head. He hit my husband before saying that I was a gold digger and lying about having stage 4 cancer and his dad was just a breadwinner here and is p-whipped -to do kiss my butt, and that his father is a sh-t dad. He rarely sees my husband anymore – they were so very close and he was the apple of my husbands eye. She took it away to hurt both of them – mainly to hurt my husband. He was cheated on and she has a 10 year old daughter with another guy who was her personal trainer while my husband worked to provide for the family. He was told he was crazy when he suspected something. The stories would make your hair fall out. I think I should have been more cognizant of boundaries with the kids early on, but like so many women we are caretakers and cannot see a child maltreated. The father of her daughter when 16 was little shoved his head in a toilet, punched him, put him thru a wall. It’s ugly. She’s a terrible mom. Terrible ex. Lying. Cheating. Lacking any empathic qualities. Pretends to co parent to get information on our life to use in her campaign to create a hell in my house. It’s stopping this summer. I’ve determined that it’s not the kids or me – they are always in our life and our doors and hearts are open to them no matter what. The ex has got to be surgically removed. No more contact. The boys at 18 1/2 and 16 are old enough now. My husband deserves to be happy. He’s paid child support for 18 although he’s lived with us for 4 years. He’s been more than fair and has even given her money for her own stuff all in the name of keeping the boys safe and happy. Guess what? Didn’t work. Damage done. Time to get on with things. 16 doesn’t want to even see us he’s so brainwashed and the parental alienation syndrome will effect him and my husband for life. So sad.

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      • Oh now we know it’s not about feeling sorry – but we do share an eternal chain link that keeps us high above ground until we can re celebrate life with our partners, become wealthy with love, and drunk with freedom.

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