There are times, like now, where the anxiety is high and the tensions are high- mainly because we are stressed about the upcoming holidays (okay, mainly it’s me that is stressed, but Prince Charming has to deal with it so..), and I cannot handle the general public. And it seeps into my daily life.
Yesterday, I had one of those miserable Christmas-shopping experiences. I waited in line for 12 minutes before it was my turn to pay for my $1.98 purchase (2 birthday cards, I couldn’t NOT get them or I’d have to go wait in line somewhere else). The cashier was very friendly, but that was the problem. She talked and talked and talked and I wanted to gouge her eyes out for not being more productive in her cashiering. (I’ve was a cashier for about 10 years, I can critique her skills.) She took so long, I was late coming back from my lunch. It irritated me- I am not a late person. My work was slow yesterday, so all I could do was stew about it and let my anxiety continue to brew.
By the time I have gathered the kiddos from their grandparents house and brought them home, I’ve been driving too long and my head hurts, it’s time for stepmomma to take a nap but we all know that can’t really happen. 8 and 12 are pure chaos. It’s the first day of Winter Break, after all. They fight and scream and 8 cries at least two times. Prince Charming isn’t home when he says he’ll be, there’s too many dishes and too much laundry and two very stinky dogs. Too much for a Wednesday. 8 gets sent to bed, 12 goes berzerk because this means that’ he’s locked out of his room! I still can’t take it and Prince Charming is still not home.
What do I do?!
It’s so hard for me to transition. To have weekends on with the kids and weekends off from them. My mind can’t handle it. Plus the holiday craziness e v e r y w h e r e we go. My mind goes at a billion miles an hour. I can’t come home and unwind, like a normal person. I clean, I wash the dogs, I do laundry, pick up the garbage all of the littles leave behind, and then I finally sit down to finish a photo session I’ve been working on all month- it is unending.
Two hours later, 8 wakes up and comes to sit next to me on the couch. I know it’s because my blanket is the softest one in the house, but I pretend its because he wants to be by me. He actually scoots closer. He’s almost sitting on my lap. But I’m editing, so I can’t handle distractions and I look at him and say You’re too close. I can’t do this right now. and he moves. and I forget that that moment is what I have been striving for for TWO years. and I push him away over someone’s wedding photos (that will be finished 3 weeks ahead of schedule). Is it worth it? Is it worth making my business name a bigger name than my stepmomma name? Is it worth ignoring the chance to snuggle my boy because I am full of irritation and ready to snap?
But I don’t know how to switch from “Daily Life” to “Home Life” and I don’t know how to switch from “Newlywed couple” to “Parents.”