what’s the point?

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i probably should have done this in my first blog post ever, but that was only a little while ago, so you can forgive me, right?

i want to share the point or the purpose, the focus of this blog. i want you to know what my underlying intentions are with you, my reader(s), and be frank with you. i’d rather you don’t get caught up in my dumb life updates and that if you actually know someone who wants to connect here, you share this page.

i am a newlywed, a step mom, a student, a volunteer, a barista, a friend, a wife, a lover of all things photography, a follower of Christ, a wannabe book worm. i am a lot of things. the thing that’s different or the thing that challenges me most in my own life is the second thing on the list.

getting married was easy. it’s really cool to wake up and fall asleep with my best friend. it’s even cooler that i get to kiss him. i don’t get mad when he drops his socks next to the laundry basket, because that’s the job i accepted when i became his wife. he doesn’t get mad when it’s lawn-mowing day because that’s his job. we like each other and we transitioned from single life to married life fairly well.

having step kids is a whole different story. it’s not that i hate it. in fact i love it. i LOVE my boys. i love that i can hear young padawan playing a racing game and patting the dogs on their head and telling them he loves them. they’re my dogs and i’m glad they’re (mostly) accepted here. these kids challenge me and they are learning to love me back. i think they already do, its just a whole different world than i’ve ever imagined… and i’ve been a step kid before.

people say that parenting is lonely. that single parenting is even lonelier. let me tell you something, folks. step parenting is the loneliest thing i’ve ever experienced. it’s a constant fight to find your place and to rid your mind of the things the enemy wants you to believe about yourself and the position you’re in. don’t listen to him. don’t give in. i have one person in my life that is a step mom, but her situation is 100% different than mine. she’s been a step mom since the boy was 1, she’s like a mother to him. i came in late in the game. i know not one other soul that is in this boat and my arms are starting to get tired from rowing for this long on my own.

my husband is my biggest cheerleader. do not dismiss this. but he is in a different view point because they’re his. he sees things differently and hasn’t really had to adjust the way that thestepmomma has. he added 1 and i added 5. –also i should note that only 2 live in the house with us, but there are 2 that are a bit older and live with their mom, still very much a part of our lives.–

it is lonely being the only one. it is lonely not having a friend who gets it. i am the only one in our church, the only one in my friends, the only one in my classes and work place. i am the only one. so, i am looking to change that. i know that i can’t be the only one. there are more step mommas out there who are searching for a place to find love and affirmation. a place to be reminded that even when days are tough, you are so important to these kids. a place to find a friend and sister who will uplift you.

i will be frank when i say that this is not going to be a place for women to bash their husbands or kids, or even the biological moms. this is a place for love and respect.

my hope is to build a community of women, a community of step mommas out there, who need each other or know how to share with each other. I think Jesus is giving me this tiny task and asking me to make it something big. but in order to do that, i need you. on so many levels, i need you. maybe, for right now, this blog is for me. but maybe someday it’s for another step mom just looking for a safe place to share her experiences and to find someone who really does get it.

we’re open, the light is on. come on in.

 

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8 thoughts on “what’s the point?

  1. Not knowing: How long have you been in their lives? How long ago was the separation of their parents? Do they live part time in both homes? Does the bio-mom consider you an ally or a threat? Is she an affectionate parent? All of these things set the stage for how the children see you. Do they think you took their “dad time” away from them? Think about all the life changes they have experienced, try to see it from their perspective and ask them how they feel about things.
    I think that you’re doing an excellent job 1) marrying into children, 2) loving the children and wanting them to love you, 3) using a healthy outlet (writing) to express yourself. Many people do not want to take on other’s children.
    I think it’s great that your not pushing things on them, however too much caution may come across as uncaring.
    Talk with them, a little at a time, ask how they feel about their living arrangements, about the marriage (did they play a part in the wedding), about being away from their mom, about being away from their dad, etc. Conversation over dinner, during homework, a question here an explanation there and hopefully with time (maybe a lot of time) you will find your way into a place in their hearts.
    If the bio-mom is loving and fair they may feel like they are “cheating on her” by loving you. If you find that’s the case, maybe all of you (including the bio-mom) could have a conversation explaining that there is room for love for everyone.
    I’ll be looking forward to more posts. And, I’m wishing you the best!

    Like

    • thestepmomma

      SO many good questions!
      We have been married for 1.5 years, dated for 1.5 years and have attended church together for about 2.5 years prior to our dating- I have known the kids all 5ish years. Times that we hung out when we were dating.. anytime he had the kids, i was around.
      They’ve been separate for over 7 years, They are with us 2 days/week and every other weekend if we go by the books- we often trade off days or pick up some additional ones depending on her work schedule.
      Mom goes in spurts about how she feels about me- to my face I am fantastic, she appreciates all I do for them. When she is with particular friends, anything my husband and i do is wrong (we know this because she doesn’t guard these conversations from the kids and they report it to us.) She does not want me involved in their education or medical visits, but also doesn’t want me to not help them with their homework. She’s not sure yet.
      Dad time is still present. Each night they spend about an hour alone with him- reading books and prayer time before bed is ONLY with dad. he takes them for little car rides and stuff here and there, i try to hang back but dad wants me IN.

      They seem to enjoy being able to switch houses- it gives them a sort of forced break from either parent, spending too much time with mom OR dad can be tough as a kid.
      No one played a part in our wedding- we went out of state, no family or friends. Kids were fine with it, they don’t enjoy weddings at all.
      They don’t like being away from mom too much because mom’s house doesn’t have rules 🙂

      our family is pretty open. i talk to them often about my role in their life and they know that im not trying to replace anyone. they know i love them and i know they love me, they just can’t physically show me. i think they’re afraid to hurt their mom, but when they’re with us- they BEG me to tickle them, they sit by me on the couch, they come and show me magic tricks. they seek me out- sometimes i’m shoving them off because i’m too smothered.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I wondered if bio-mom had positive / negative / neutral things to say about you and your husband. Saying anything negative has an immediate impact on the kids (hmm, mom must be right) and a long term impact when those statements are proven to be wrong. You’ve been in their lives a long time, that’s wonderful! I’m glad you all have open communication and feelings aren’t squashed/buried.
    They see the love you have for them and for their Dad. One day the affection will be shown and it will be a wonderful reward for all of your positive and maternal energy. : )

    Like

    • thestepmomma

      We usually don’t hear that she says much positive about me 🙂 I try to limit how much she and I communicate, to alleviate any additional tension. Only texts about bus stops or pick up times if it’s our day, or something extremely time sensitive that I can’t wait for my husband to intercept for me.

      Like

  3. I am 15, and I have been living with my Dad and my Stepmom for 10 years. I have made it hell for her. I won’t get into why or how I feel about it because nobody wants to know, but I would like to give you some advice.

    My mom got married to my Stepdad two years ago, and we have never had a problem. I think it is because he has tried to be my friend for the last 5 years, and he has never tried to control me. On the other end, my Stepmom has tried to control me and replace my mom since before she married my Dad.

    So, as a kid who has step parents right now, I suggest that you try to be your boys’ friend, not their parent. My stepdad rarely asks me to do anything, but when he does I have no problem doing it because it is reasonable and not excessive, where my stepmom will ask me to do things all the time and the only reason I do them is because she makes my dad’s life hell if I don’t do what she asks.

    Hopefully, my insight will make your life a life a little bit easier.

    Like

    • I have been a step child for 18 years. I understand completely. The only things I ask the kids to do are simple chores, usually with their dad’s approval if it’s anything more than putting their clothes away or cleaning their room. If it’s much more, he is usually the one that will say “Go ask StepMomma for your list of chores today,” since I am the one who cleans the house and know what needs work and what doesn’t. The only time there are issues is when they talk back to either of us, honestly. I know I am not their mom, nor do I attempt to be, but I am the one who is ‘mothering’ them when they are in our home. I am responsible in helping them with homework, helping them learn new life skills- like learning to do their own laundry or take out the trash every now and again, I am responsible for helping them learn about their faith in God- as we attend church as a family and hope to share our faith with the kids. I will never try to be their mom- she is very very active in their life and they adore her. She’s a good mom. I just try to be my husbands helper- however he sees that fit.
      Thanks for your insight, fellow step 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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