I always feel like a monster when I tell people that I’m not excited for the kids to come back over yet. There’s a part of me that misses their smiles and their creativity, their energy. But there’s a bigger part that has not recouped from the last week long visit, and she’s not ready for more chaos.
I teeter on the line of being an introvert and an extrover, I’m what they call an ambivert. I really enjoy coming home to an empty house- but only for about 35 minutes and then I start getting anxious from being alone. I start to miss my husband. I don’t like the quiet. I don’t like the solitude. I get lonesome. I need to be surrounded. But being surrounded by my husband is much different than being surrounded by kids.
Tonight, we are getting ready to have some Nigerian friends over. They’re amazing people. We’re on night 3 of our week off, except they were there on Monday when I got home- which is okay, but it’s not really quite like coming home to silence. And tonight they’ll be with us. And i’m not ready.
I’m not ready to entertain and i’m not ready to hear the kids whine and complain about being there, we’re confident that 13 is going to cheat the rules we set for his grounding and do all the things he’s grounded from while his mom is at work. i’m not ready to have them up after their regular bed time and to hear 9 cry if he stubs his toe. i’m just not ready.
i’m not sure how else to convey this to my Prince. I’ve told him time and time again that I think one of us is going to lose it if we do this week on/week off thing. I’m drained. HE spent most of the week with them, but i am still drained. When they nag at him and pull on him and irritate him, he gets weighed down and then that is put on me. Not intentionally of course, but that”s how it naturally goes.
i need recoup days. i need to have monday nights with no work. a night with my husband and me and thats it. but instead
Monday night I came home to kids lighting fireworks and my indoor candles being burned outside. I told them 17 times to clean their room and wash/fold/put away their clothes on Monday and my Prince gave them other chores, so i came home to a dirty room with no laundry done- except what was in the washer and what would be left for me to do. i was irritated. yes, they cleaned the countertops and behind all of the junk on the counter, they did the dishes and they cleaned the bathroom but there was a reason i wanted their rooms cleaned and it didn’t happen.
When they left, i walked in the house and there was a pile of boxed up goods. which meant we were going to the storage unit (a good thing but.. no relaxation). So we don’t get home until after 8:00 and then finally sit down to watch my husband’s favorite show. i fall asleep after 1 episode and can’t tell you what happened.
Tuesday, I came home and worked on my photos/videos from a wedding in May that needs to be sent out, washed the boys’ clothes, did the dishes, cleaned the counters, made our bed and tidied up the living room. a lot can happen in one night. i sat down to do more wedding work and my husband came home and started giving me chores to do. so i cleaned the entire living room area. it was a lot. i made us breakfast for dinner and then we left to go to his parents’ house to drop some stuff off. then we went to the store and didnt get home until 10:00. the night was over.
tonight, we’ll have 6 or 8 people in our home. my husband will rush around like a mad man until we are all sitting down to eat. the kids will be irritated that we aren’t spending time with them, though we have international guests here to see US and its a privilege for them to be in our home.
there is no break time. there is no down time. this is not a week off.
i’m starting to really feel like i’m not cut out for this kid life. how do i do it?
This one might actually be a weed. But it’s a pretty weed.
Okay my posts aren’t always going to be about a teeter totter summer, but this week it is because its week 1 and everything is upside down.
Last night was …dun dun duuuun.. report card night.
9’s is almost glowing, it’s so good. he has 2 areas he can improve on, but the teacher even said “I think he’ll figure it out. He’s a leader in our class. He is an example. He works well with others, etc.” Everything a parent wants to read about their kid. He is GIDDY with his end of year grades and the positive report his teacher gave him.
13 has had this impending doom hanging above his head for the entire last trimester- he’s known it was coming. Long story short, he barely passed his year at school and we’re searching for summer school as a sort of bonus punishment. He’s lost privileges like television, tablets, cell phones, video games- all of it. very strictly for 3 weeks.
We came to this agreement about 6 minutes after we got the letter in the mail. The kids’ mom came over and my Prince kept saying, before she arrived, that “We would all discuss this and figure it out.” and i questioned him- “You keep saying we. does that mean i get to be a part of this?”
“Unless she outright won’t meet and talk about this if you’re here, yes. I want you to be a part of this.”
*huge internal smile*
Immediately after, she arrives. We all gather on the porch and she even says hi to me before i get on the porch. that’s strange.
we have our discussion and she actually listens to my input, which i am mindful to not add unless i think its very important, since this is the first time i’ve been tolerated. this is going well…
she admits a lot of her own faults in why 13 didnt succeed this year. she admits to a lot and basically reaches her hands out asking for help.
Eventually the conversation is wrapped up. I sent the boys in the house to find a book that they were playing with the other day, it was their mom’s and her sisters from when they were kids- we gave it back to her and she smiled so big! she said she really appreciated it and held it close. and then the boys go off to swim.
She doesn’t run off the porch.
Instead she thanks me.
SHE THANKED ME.
and she apologized for the way the last two years have been and blamed it on “momma bear.” and i just told her i understood and i thanked her.
and i told her how much i love those boys. and how much i care for them and just want the best for them. and she just said “Stepmomma, i know. they love you. and care for you. and i’m just grateful to have a support system for them. Thank you for all that you do for them and all you have done. i think things are going to be a lot better from here on out.”
and once she left, i walked right out to the pool and told my prince what she said, and he hopped out like “Should we talk somewhere else?” like the boys shouldn’t hear. and i said no. i intentionally came here for them to hear that their mom came to me and apologized. there was a tangible tension between us the last two years and they have openly talked about her disdain for me. I think it’d be good for them to hear that things are better. and he just smiled, like “You’re right.”
And then we took the boys to Taco Bell as a little surprise, but also because it was hot and we didn’t want to cook.
and then we took them to play tennis and 13, the one who hates all physical activity and outdoors, LOVED IT. he had fun. he smiled and laughed and ran around and then i smoked him in a real game of tennis (PS it was his first day ever of tennis, but still i won.) and then i crushed my Prince in another game of tennis that he tried, so hard, to get me to redo, but i scored on him in all 3 redo rounds. and i won again.
we all giggled and we all smiled hugely and came home feeling good.
this was my favorite day in a very long time.
Here’s my mid-week update on life with summer kids.
Not as terrible as expected, definitely not great.
I get mad at my husband the first night because he has energy to entertain and hang out with the kids, but not me. 13 is sick, 9 gets slurpees.
The second night ended in me crying, 13 crying, and my prince being real irritated. 13 asked me if he can ever do anything right in my eyes. and well, that sucked. he’s been ticking me and both his mom and dad off so much lately that no, it’s hard to see anything good come from him. He’s crabby, he’s being lazy, he doesn’t care, and he doesn’t even try to respond if we talk to him. He’s doing poorly in school and gets mad if we try to check in. He gets mad if we try to have a spiritual check up with him. There’s a lot of anger and we don’t know how to deal with it because he won’t give us any idea of where he is at.
It gets to a point where the kids are messing around on the ground. Our house has an immediate rule that if there is rough housing, the dogs get in their crate immediately. If you want to play, i don’t care- play. but put the dogs away. They get hyper, they get excited and then they jump and try to protect and end up scratching or jumping on a person. Their nails are sharp and they are very protective. The dogs aren’t doing anything wrong, they just can’t really handle hyper situations.
So the kids mess around and i hear the dogs start to tap their toes. I start intervening and I make them put the dogs away. They want to play, they need to be responsible. It takes 15 minutes before I finally grab the dogs by their collar, after they’ve stepped on 13’s face and start howling. I put the dogs in their crate and end the horse play. It’s 10:00pm. Dad wants to watch a show. The dogs are wound up. The kids are pissed. HUFF.
HUFF SO BIG THAT 2/3 OF US CRY.
Huff so annoying it lasted til midnight.
Huff so much it makes me want to yell “I told you so!” in my Prince’s face.
I got to a point where I didn’t know what to do. I was crying and asking for help from my prince and i didn’t know what to do. i’m at my limit. so we eventually had a long talk with 13 and I reminded him that I’m a person and I’m a freaking wreck right now and can’t tell the days apart since my step dad died and i’m real broken. so i might be off. i might act different. i’m a person too. and it’s not okay to disrespect me. it’s not okay to blatantly ignore me. it’s not okay to hear my questions and stare at his dad instead of answering me. it’s not okay to walk away when we’re talking, even if you think that will keep you out of trouble. it’s not okay. i am an authority figure in our house and to these kids and the way i am treated is not okay. and i told him i was tired. and that his MOM has even been at wits end. she can’t do it anymore. she calls his dad for help and Lord knows that that never happens. she’s never admitted defeat or that my husband is a good dad. ever. so for her to call in reinforcements is very unlikely.
the angry responses we get hurt us, we tell him. when he punches walls because its time to wake up or screams at his brother for moving a fan. when he takes 45 minutes to put away 3 clothing items or pawns them off on his brother because he’s too lazy. it’s hurting him and that hurts us. and that we love him. and are sad that something is clearly happening with him and he feels like he can’t talk to any one of us. and he cried but didn’t say anything.
how do i keep doing this? i don’t know how to be a teenager parent. i just don’t know.
The StepMomma’s 2017 Goals:
- Fixing up House A
- Fixing up House B
Making healthier food and life choices
- Saving more moolah
- Paying off all debt (excluding student loans, mortgages)
- Weekly Bible Studies with the kiddos
- Reading my entire bible all the way through
- Hosting a Bible study in our home
Becoming a DBA and LLC for my personal business
- More family time
Learning to cook one decent meal for the family Only wearing jeans one day/week… Read more.
JUNE UPDATE IS HERE!
I can tell you that we are doing well in so many of these and I can’t hardly take it.
In the past month, we have finally gotten a storage unit. We’ve filled about 1/4 of it and have seventeen years worth of belongings to go through still, but we will get there. We have a perpetual pile of junk that needs to go to the unit each week, which sits in our corner and it makes me so happy. I’m happy to move it. Happy to pack it. Happy to throw it away. The kids have been willing to go through their toys and get rid of the ones that they don’t need immediately. It’s so nice.
Friday, we got a text saying that a step at house A was broken and needed attention. Sunday, my Prince put in a brand new set of steps and it looks amazing. We had this on our To-Do list, knowing it would need repairing at some point, just hadn’t been a necessity. So sometimes, those late calls turn into blessings because they force us to check items off our lists!
Thursday, I came home from work and my Prince Charming was standing on top of our roof. He decided it was the day! He would finally, after 8 months of having roof sheets lie in our yard, put the roof on the house. In his defense, you cannot start a roofing project during a Michigan Winter and you cannot start a roofing project in a Michigan fall or spring: Snow, Rain, Rain. Day 2 of the roof being off of our house it rained slightly, for the first time in weeks, and now is blazing hot and we have record breaking heat right now. My poor husband. He is so red. But this afternoon, we will have a brand new, maroon roof on our green house. I am so very thankful for our friends and the church family we have- four men in our church came to help us out and lend hands on the hottest weekend of the year. We fed them taco salad and gave them lots of water and iced tea, but i know it’s not near enough. Now that this giant project is out of the way, a lot of other projects can begin. It’s hard to start projects when there is a huge one staring you in the eye every day.
We keep eating healthy. I cheat and eat pizza and I’ll never stop drinking pop because i just plain like it. But i drink less of it and more water. I get shock tarts every couple weeks and enjoy one bag for a few days. It’s the only way to live. I really don’t care to be 100% green all the time. It’s fun to indulge, you just have to do it responsibly. Just like anything else. PS I’m down 20 pounds and I can see it and feel it and my shirts reflect it. That means that the last shirt I bought was 2 sizes smaller than the previous one I was wearing. I also just want to say that I am down 20 pounds after pretty much quitting (i got bored) and after my step dad died, when i didn’t work out once in 10 days and ate what i wanted and sat on my couch in mourning. I’m still down 20 pounds. I’m 1/3 of the way to my December 31 goal with my dad. It’s a lot of weight, but it’ll be worth it. I started the 21 day fix, but did it my way. I am intentionally using it for the portion control, not because I overeat, but honestly because I under-eat and I don’t know what a cup of greens looks like compared to a cup of fruit, or what an appropriate serving of each would be. So using the containers helps me to see what MY body really needs every day. Using their app allows me to track my food and see when I’ve indulged too much or when it’s been 3 day since I’ve had any fruit. I struggle with fruit. So I’m being intentional with drinking it- in smoothies or in V8 Fusion, where you get 1 serving of Fruit AND veggies in 1 can. Some added sugar, but I lack in fruit so much that it seems worth it to me.
Saving more moolah is hard. We have bills, for sure. And now it’s summer. And I really like shopping. And i just spent two weeks in a grueling depression that I didn’t think had an end, until i forced my husband to kneel on the ground and hug me until i stopped crying. It broke the next day. Freedom came with that cry. So anyway, when i’m sad i shop………… and i spent a little bit of money in those two weeks. But yesterday, I got a raise at work and my second job just gave me a raise, too! So the extra money can get put towards the last couple of non-mortgage/student loan debts we have and will get us closer to a new house.
I’ve still only worn jeans 3 times this year and life is so good because of it.
Bye for now!
Consistency, what does that word even mean? Constant. Never changing. Routine. Similar. Predictable. What I crave for every aspect of my life.
Now for someone who is very much a “Type A” personality, change is scary. And I don’t know how I ever thought that life as a step parent would fit into my clean, organized, well- scheduled life. Because it doesn’t. It so does not.
Our “Schedule” is typically 1 night per week and every other weekend. With some bonus days here and there, whenever my Prince invites the kids over or their mom can’t stand them anymore, which is often as of late.
I almost demand that Prince Charming tells me when they come over if it is an “off” day of ours. I cannot physically or mentally handle coming home to three people when I expected to come home to zero or 1 (if my prince is working.) And he hates it. He often thinks that I mean he needs my approval to have the kids over. While that would be real fun, since I do plan things on our nights off and sometimes really do need a day off from everyone, it is not the case.
I am just step mom. My needs come last, my sanity comes way last.
I have begged and pleaded for this summer to not come and alas, here it is. Week 1.
Where we get the boys for an entire week. They’ll go to their mom’s house for 14 sweet hours in the middle of the week, but still. My sanity is scared. My heart that still is aching since my step dad died. It’s terrifying to cry or have added stress. My sunburned skin is not looking forward to when 9 pulls me to go look at something or how the dogs get riled up while the kids are over and might jump & scratch my fresh burns. ouch.
I have told my Prince that if he were to pursue further custody of the children than what he/we have, I would support him. I would take the kids every day of their dang lives if that’s what he wanted and that’s what were best. But I am not prepared for week on, week off. At all.
I am not prepared for the arguments and my husband telling me that I’m fighting just like the thirteen year old.
I am not prepared to get walked on day in and day out every other week.
I am not prepared to be pushed aside for an entire week.
I am not prepared for the week long mental exhaustion and feeling like i am on the outskirts of my own home.
I am not prepared for the endless laundry that will accumulate or the swimsuits and towels that will hang forever on our porch rail.
I am not prepared for them to miss their mom and to hate every second of being with us. I cannot ever prepare for the “I miss mom” ‘s or the 25 minute phone calls to her, when we never get an “i miss you” phone call while they are away from us.
When my routines break, I turn into a monster. I can’t think straight, I can’t keep track of the days, I cannot handle it. I struggle when I come home to a full house instead of getting my 30 minutes of quiet, where I can pick up the pieces of the day before and get things back in order. Do the laundry, wash the dishes, sweep up the floors and tackle whatever large mess was left by my husband or skids. When I come home to a full house, I am already defeated. I cannot peel away from them to do housework or editing photos + videos from my side gig, I cannot find 5 minutes of quiet, I am exhausted.
Does it seem wrong to not want this week on/week off thing? Prince Charming keeps saying “We’re only adding three days/week and she gets them on our regular night!!”
Yes, but that’s three days of not seeing my husband.
Three days of doubt and worry and being shoved to the side.
Three days of arguments and fights over dinner or whether it’s actually 89 degrees out.
Three days of telling 13 that he cannot possibly have another pop and can’t have 4 bowls of ice cream, especially because he was a giant turd all day long.
Three days of not bike riding or walking because the kids are too lazy to go. (mainly 13)
Three days of sanity that I so badly need.
We’ve never done week on, week off.
I am honestly terrified for summer.