The momster strikes again.

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I did that thing again.
Where I lose my cool and scream until I don’t even know what I’m screaming about.

We got a knock at our door at 8am Saturday morning and then proceeded to sit on the porch for an hour with an in law. Sleepy eyed, braless, uncaffeinated. Too much for 8am. My prince and the in law left to do some errands and to have some one on one time. I counted the minutes until I was supposed to leave for a baby shower 90 minutes away. Called my best friend to tell her i didn’t know if i could make it (which means I crushed her), and then rage cleaned the entire house before the kids even got out of bed.

My prince arrived promptly at the time the shower started. So I headed out and tried my darndest to make it on time. We all went separate ways on Saturday. I drove through some sketchy weather to make it before the event ended and, thankfully, i did.

I came home exhausted. Lots of people. Lots of rain. Getting lost in the boondocks. It’s not my thing. My prince and the kiddos spent all day filling the back of the truck with boxes and packing away our storage unit. They had to take things from the attic, to the floor, to the truck, to the unit. They worked hard. They got all but 2 boxes!  We were all pooped. We ate some pizza and then sat to watch a movie. somewhere in there, 13 jokingly told me i was crashing their boys night. my response was not much short of “tough shit, i live here.”

i told them I couldn’t make it through a movie and said I guess I could just sleep in my room instead of on the couch. Then i fell asleep on the couch. Next to my husband and with the kids playing nearby. That’s perfection to me. relaxing with my family.

But shortly after, my husband got up and changed seats. Wake up 1. Then can’t remember my code to my card to order a movie. Wake up 2. Then 9 decides to ask if i am going to sleep in my room instead of on the couch (Wake up 3)- which shouldn’t matter, only 2 people were watching the movie and there were more than 2 seats available. So i freaked.

Why can’t i sleep where i want.

Why can’t i sit by my husband.

Why can’t you just let me sleep.

Why does it matter where i sleep? Is this really a problem?

so i scream. i tell them they all have hurt me because i’m clearly not important enough to have warranted even a text message for Mother’s Day. That i am tired of feeling like an outsider and like i am unwelcome and unwanted. i tell them they hurt me and i’m tired of it. and i swore a few times. and 9 hid under his blanket.

and i felt this big.

i can’t sleep when i am mad at my husband. i can’t sleep when i have been a jerk. so i sat outside in the rain and tried to calm my nerves. finally went and sat with them to watch the weirdest kid movie. finally got my husband to talk to me and hear me ( i think).

it is exhausting being in this undefined position with undefined roles but very defined parameters.

I woke up on Sunday puffy eyed and a little relieved. We had a good day together.

We rescued a raccoon this weekend and encountered all sorts of family drama, but all of sunday with the kids was FUN. and i think they forgive me for being a monster.

13 back talked and sassed me and my response was, “THIS IS ALLOWED?” because PC was right next to him. and my prince finally defended me.

i guess there’s hope. it’s just really hard.

Avocado & Egg Toast

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Okay Friends,

I’m here with another Step Momma Meals. This one is super easy, but it has changed my life.

We use fresh farm eggs in our house, so sometimes they are itty bitty. So I use two eggs when making my avocado and eggs.IMG_8715

And I use one half of a ripened avocado.IMG_8717IMG_8719

First things first. Cook your eggs. I like mine to be fried- though i should admit that my first fried egg was only about one month ago.IMG_8720

While your egg is frying, put your whole wheat slice of toast in the toaster for about 2 minutes. I like mine crispier because the eggs and avocado are so mushy. Then take one half of your avocado (the pit-less one). With a fork, mash it up inside of the avocado. IMG_8724

When your toast is done, skip the butter! Put your mashed avocado directly on your toast like so.IMG_8726IMG_8728

Top with your fried egg and hope it doesn’t look like a scrambled egg like mine 🙂IMG_8729IMG_8730

Eat with a fork. It’s delicious, nutritious and very simple to make!

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Tip:

Take your leftover half of avocado and drizzle OLIVE OIL on the bright green center. Cover it completely. Wrap tight with either plastic wrap or a plastic bag that is free of air. It should keep your avocado for up to 72 hours once placed back in the fridge.

This simple meal makes for an easy breakfast. I usually will be blending my morning protein shake while making this and by the time the toast pops, i have a shake in hand and am ready to take the day head on. It’s so incredibly filling and leaves you feeling GOOD instead of wanting more or greasy, like a granola bar or hash brown may do to you.

what to do when mothers day doesn’t happen

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I’m still a little bit shocked and still a little bit baffled by Mother’s Day. You probably read my Last Post and some of the initial fears and dislikes I have about Mother’s Day in general, but it got a little bit worse when all of the fears came true.

the fear of my sweet little skids forgetting about me, even though their schools are shoving Mother’s Day down their throats. the fear of them not even sending a weird text message or asking their dad to tell me HMD, since they wouldn’t be with us. the fear of getting in front of the church and standing next to the moms who have their kids with them and have their shiny new mother’s day jewlery hanging off their necks and wrists. those fears. they’re incredibly stupid but incredibly real.

and they came to fruition Sunday.

When we slept in and rolled out of bed to get ready for church. when my friends texted me Happy Mother’s Day wishes and even my own dad, but my prince didn’t muster the words. When we walked into the church and you could see it on people’s faces, “oh, I guess you are kinda a mom. happy mother’s day.”  When the Associate pastor gave us our weird “meet and greet” time instructions, it was “Tell someone Happy Mother’s Day!” and that was the first time my prince said it to me. you could tell he forgot that i do mother his kids.

When 13 called my prince 4 times in one day to see if we would pick up some flowers to bring to him, to give to his mom. and didn’t pass on a “HMD” via telephone. he was already sneaking away from his mom. when the 4 phone calls turned into seven.

When we went shopping and my prince asked for help to pick out flowers for their mom. and i grew quite the attitude because i still hadn’t heard one peep. he asked “do you want some flowers?” no. i dont want your dang sympathy flowers. i wanted you to pick one from our porch and pretend the boys got it for me. or to suggest to them one of the 7 times they called that they buy a single flower for me, or write a card, or shout hello through the phone. no i dont want to spend my own money on my own flowers. no.

or when we drove to my husband’s exes house to deliver fresh mother’s day flowers on her door step. and then drove to my mother in law’s house and she shared how the sermon that morning at church was about Martha and Mary and how birthing a child is not the only way for a woman to mother. Birthing a child is not mothering. and i replied with “WHAT A CONCEPT!” and the replies i got were furrowed brows.

it really stung. i don’t NEED gifts. i dont really even want fake gifts. i just really wanted to be thought of, the first year that they were with their mom for mother’s day. i wanted them to consider me. especially since i just confessed to my husband that being in this role is so incredibly hard and lonesome and i feel so useless and dreaded, most of the time.

not a flower. not a card. not a text.

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a step mom- on mother’s day.

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Apparently everyone is jumping on the Mother’s Day bandwagon right now, even though we’re more than a week out from it. I guess this is when I should write about it, too.

imagesMother’s day is a really, extremely sore spot for me. I’m not excited for it. I don’t have a wish list. I don’t look forward to any part of it. It hurts me. Mother’s day feels like a giant loss for me and there are no possible words for me to even explain this to you, without giving you miles and miles of explanations. So for short:

Mother’s day is a trying time for me. My own mother lives on the other side of the country and told us she was leaving only 10 days before she drove off. Her job didn’t call her there, she convinced them she needed to move. She took a pay cut, drove her own, personal car through the mountains, and increased her monthly bills tremendously. This was 6 years ago.moving-company-reviews-clipart

In these six years, my own mother, who I used to view as this immense source of strength and beauty in a way I couldn’t understand, this woman who had it all and had it all together- she has cracked. She is broken. and she is lost.

 

My own mother suffers from some manic depressive habits and probably schizophrenia, if not a multiple personality disorder. I can’t give you a real diagnosis because she won’t visit a doctor to receive any help. Through these debilitating mental disorders, she has lost the job that she chased after, 2300 miles away. She has lost her home, she has lost her car. and she’s lost a lot of dignity. While there isn’t much else to lose, she is very rapidly losing her children. It’s hard to even say that. I’m not going to go in to grave detail here because it’s far too extravagant to try to explain.

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I have felt, for 6 years, the way a young child with a parent who walked out of their life feels. Abandoned. A little worthless, since it was so simple to just leave. A lot forgotten. But I’m an adult and I was an adult when she left and I do still have contact with her. But it feels so strange. This is the first year I didn’t call my own mother on Easter. I just couldn’t.

As a step-mom, mother’s day is naturally strange. Two years ago, Mother’s day was only a few days before my Prince and i’s wedding day. So he had the kids make me Mother’s day cards. I got one that said “Happy Mother’s Day-ish” and “Thanks, StepMomma (with my real name inserted.) And it was cute the first time because they still didn’t really know what it meant to have a step mom or what was happening. I’m not sure they really realized I was moving in until I didn’t go home the first night we returned from our honeymoon.

The second Mother’s day, I directly asked them to not send me an “ish” card. That I’d rather have nothing than an “ish” card. Because in all honesty, that “Ish” hurt.. pretty bad. They couldn’t even call me their step mother. i was just Ish. My Prince had them buy me flowers and they picked some out for their mom, too. Snuck into her house and left them on her windowsill. Our church has a Mother’s Day thing every year, where sometimes the kids deliver the flowers to their moms or sometimes they call everyone up in front of the church to have flowers given to them, or sometimes an adult will pass them out while we watch a slideshow of memories of little babies in hospitals and moms kissing their babies cheeks.

I don’t want to stand there. I feel like an outcast. My kids don’t want to buy me flowers, they correct the servers at restaurants that say “Maybe Mom will…”. They can’t stand the idea of me as their mom or as a mother-like influence. And it really crushes me sometimes.

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Mother’s day hurts. And i know that for you, it might hurt in different ways. This year feels different and feels like my kids may actually like me better than they did last year, but i am still a little bit broken on Mother’s day, grieving the loss of my own mother. She’s still alive but she is very much not here. She doesn’t know the names of my kids and hardly knows what I do for a living.

For mother’s day this year, I don’t want a thing. i don’t need a thing. Except maybe a giant hug from my Prince and an “I love you anyway.”

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May Check in!

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So first off, I am terrible at posting anymore and its because I simply forget to load photos at home and transfer them to this other computer. And I’m okay with it.

I also should tell you that I know I promised a “100 followers” post and I think about it ALL THE TIME but its so much harder than you think. 100 things? that’s a lot. 100 photos? that’ll take years to upload on this silly wordpress. So i still haven’t forgotten, i just haven’t done it………yet

The StepMomma’s 2017 Goals:

  1. Decluttering
  2. Fixing up House A
  3. Fixing up House B
  4. Making healthier food and life choices
  5. Saving more moolah
  6. Paying off all debt (excluding student loans, mortgages)
  7. Weekly Bible Studies with the kiddos
  8. Reading my entire bible all the way through
  9. Hosting a Bible study in our home
  10. Becoming a DBA and LLC for my personal business
  11. More family time
  12. Learning to cook one decent meal for the family
  13. Only wearing jeans one day/week…
  14. Read more.
I feel like the “Decluttering” thing has come a long way since the last update. Currently there are 3 packed boxes ready for the attic and two piles of Goodwill items. We cleaned our entire laundry room out, completely out of necessity since the Washer broke. But we cleaned it out- Prince Charming scrubbed behind the appliances and I thoroughly swept everywhere else after I took everything out. The kids are impressed with how large the laundry room is- I am too. It was so full before, I had to carry my laundry basket in a particular way just to make sure i didnt trip on my way in. i am not exaggerating. it was horrible and i legitimately feared snapping my neck while doing laundry.

The Step Momma: 1990-2017. Cause of death: Lazy, messy boys.

I feel as though I can actually check off the “Making healthier food and life choices” goal at this point! I go to the gym every week day (if work allows), and if it doesn’t, I work out at home. Sometimes I work out two times a day. It’s fantastic. It keeps me out of my car and eating junk food and keeps me moving. Plus I have tiny muscles popping up now.
I’m getting ready to start the 21 day fix from BeachBody and can’t WAIT. I think i’m going to modify it a little bit though, since I go to the gym on lunch breaks. I will probably use their DVDs 3 days/week or so and still do my regular gym routine every day. If I can handle daily double workouts, I will.

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And I’m down 15 pounds. Since March 22 when i hit the gym for the very first time this year.15 pounds in 6 weeks? I call that a success. (See: Healthy Step Momma). I’m well on my way to my 2017 weight loss goal and know that this first bit is the simplest, easiest to lose. But it already feels like a part of my routine. Already feels like i want more. Yesterday I bought kale. WHAT? At the very least, I’ll put it in smoothies and it wont go to waste. but i really want to try kale chips and i guess i’m going to do that..real soon.

 

We have done one successful, week night bible study with the kids. 9 enjoyed it- we bought him a new bible and let him pick it out all on his own. 13 wants nothing to do with it. He gets mad if we ask him how his spiritual life is. he gets mad if we suggest he read his bible or ask the last time he prayed. his girlfriend is an athiest and it seems that she’s taken a hold of his once- interested, once-curious mind and has smothered any chance of there being a life with Christ. It breaks our hearts. So we are trying to encourage “God-talk” and encourage bible studies. We read through Jonah because it’s super short and one of them was talking about whales that day. If you have suggestions on how to incorporate family bible study into your nightly routine- I am all ears. We need all the help we can get.

Now that my Prince is out of school, he is transitioning to this super busy month where he is dedicating his “days off” to working on my house, my dad’s house, his mom’s house, our roof… We have a never ending list of very necessary projects and unfortunately, he is the only one suitable to complete them. During the school year he works part time and goes to school 2 days/week. We decided that during May, he won’t change his work availability and will instead work on other honey-do items with all the spare hours of the work week he can find. I’m really, incredibly grateful for him.

Continually paying off debts. We took out another one recently and it’s a huge accomplishment. It, of course, was replaced with that black cloud of Student Loans that hadn’t fully kicked in. But at least we aren’t shelling out cash for as many bills, now. It’s a good feeling to write “PAID” on the final statement! Financial freedom, here we come!

how are your goals coming along?

Little Victories

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Tonight 13 came out of his room and asked what we were having for dinner.
“Breakfast!”
“YES!” (excitement for dinner never happens)
Then. when dinner was finished, he took care of his plate, stopped and looked at me and said, “Thanks, StepMomma!”

😭 there’s hope for the 13 year old!