Tuesday Morning.

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There’s a lot of days that the guilt of not being good enough weighs on me.
I have this husband who is so physically able to do practically everything. He is talented, he is rooted in his faith. He is crazy about his kids. He is a perfectionist almost to a fault. He’s an amazing cook and has a genuine smile and heart. He is my entire world.
I have these kids that strive to impress their parents. They work hard (sometimes) and they want to use their creative little minds to show that they care for mom and dad. They love their nephew fiercely. They love each other hard. They love their time together, even when they’re sick of one another. They’re starting to get excited about moving into a new house and it makes my heart so happy.

And then there’s me.

I am rocky. I am unstable. I am wavering. My life shifts drastically each week and my head can’t keep up. It’s a constant emotional rollercoaster. And I don’t know where to go.
Most people, I think?, go to their parents for advice when it comes to parenting. My mom has forgotten what it means to be a parent and doesn’t even know my kids’ names. My dad always says, “You knew what you were getting into.” “I’m so glad I never did the step parent thing,” except he did, he just chose to not acknowledge that even if the kids are grown- they are still yours.
Yes. I knew I was walking into a marriage with a man who had children and a previous life before me.
Yes.
I knew it would hurt.
I knew it wouldn’t be easy all the time.
But sometimes it’s hard all the time.

Sometimes I shake my head and wonder why on earth this man got on one knee for me? I am unable to handle life with a teenager. I am unable to handle life that is not constant. I am unable to handle change. I am an anxious ball of everything. I am all over the place.

 

Summer Updates

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The StepMomma’s 2017 Goals:

  1. Decluttering
  2. Fixing up House A
  3. Fixing up House B
  4. Making healthier food and life choices
  5. Saving more moolah
  6. Paying off all debt (excluding student loans, mortgages)
  7. Weekly Bible Studies with the kiddos
  8. Reading my entire bible all the way through
  9. Hosting a Bible study in our home
  10. Becoming a DBA and LLC for my personal business
  11. More family time
  12. Learning to cook one decent meal for the family
  13. Only wearing jeans one day/week…
  14. Read more.

July update.

Decluttering is going so incredibly well. We only have one room to clean out and we will feel golden. and it’s mostly empty. We’ve more than halfway filled our storage unit! We have boxes ready to hit the unit again and i can’t wait.

the last two weeks we’ve spent every single night (almost) at house A and have successfully power washed the back deck, porch, stones, the garage, side of the house, the trim line of the driveway, pulled weeds, cut trees, painted, ripped out walls, ripped out carpeting, scrubbed refrigerators, and Lord knows what else. We are making huge progress. It’s incredibly exhausting and my stress level is through the roof. But we are making huge progress. We actually met with a realtor that we fell in love with on Friday and will meet with our mortgage lender on Wednesday. This. Is. Exciting. My husband keeps tapping me on the arm or leg and saying things like, “Babe! We’re really going to get our farm! It’s really happening” or “Babe, we’re really doing this!” “It’s real now!” and I’m so happy. It feels so good.

There’s like 100% family time all the time. The weeks we have kids, we are always doing something together, usually focused on fixing up the house. The weeks we don’t have kids, we hang out with my husband’s sister (it’s her week WITH kids and she needs help sometimes). She helps us work on our house and sometimes we just have to take the screaming 5 year old twins away for a few minutes so that mom doesn’t lose. her. shit.

 

I’m too much for me.

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I’m not sure what to share or what to write about today.
I could tell you how I blew my top this weekend and crossed a line and caused a lot of trouble. but it’s all smoothed over, so I won’t.
I could tell you how I’ve begged and pleaded for help dealing with a 13 year old and haven’t had any relief yet.
I could tell you how we put on a graduation party all by ourselves last week, with little to no help and I almost lost my mind, but it’s done, so why would I?

So today I guess I’ll just tell you that I’m too much.
I want my husband to love me too much.
I want my kids to hug me or to wave goodbye when they leave.
I want my kids to know to hang their clothes up when I put them on their bed, not just go to sleep underneath them.
I want my dogs to stop running off and for Lyla to stop losing weight.
I want to be the best at everything I do. Even though I’m usually the worst.
I’m too much emotion, too much everything. My mind wanders and my emotions follow. When I started taking birth control 2ish years ago, I all of a sudden started crying when babies were born and people got married and if my husband looked at me too sternly. And now I’m a ball of emotion and I can’t hold back tears.
My mind does what it wants, not what I want it to. I lost control of my mind about 5 years ago and I can’t help it when it makes me crack.
I can’t help that I get overwhelmed or that loud noises scare me or that I am now easily startled.
I can’t help that I am anxiety prone and for the last 5 years it has felt like one big anxiety attack.
I can’t help that my love language is quality time and that I require hugs from my husband when I can’t keep it all together.
I am too much because I require a lot.
I sort of have special needs. Like silence and time away, but not too much time because I don’t like to be alone. I need to feel loved and validated. and I like gifts and surprises and I like extra hugs and hand holds, and I like being boasted up and special love notes. I like it all and I require it all to have a full love tank.
I’m too much because it’s not just one thing that I require.
I’m too much because I have hardly any friends and definitely none who get it.
I’m too much because I love my dad and wish I could hug him to fix his broken heart.
I’m too much because I can’t handle other people’s issues right now, because mine are enough on their own.
I’m just too much for anybody right now and that is tough.

4th of July Bliss

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I’ve been scarce lately and it’s because we are incredibly busy. And I don’t need to apologize for that 🙂

We spent four days on the other side of the state at a conference and came home late Saturday night, gathering the kiddos early Sunday morning before church.
Which for me, was exhausting. There are struggles each week to get to church- one of them hates it and it’s evident, but he goes anyway. This weekend, their mom let them stay up until about 5:00AM Sunday morning and then came to our house at 8:30AM for church. So both of them fell asleep during service and in the car and on the way home and everywhere else and I was furious. And they wore basketball shorts because 13 won’t do their laundry.
So i was grumpy and mad because I had just spent 4 days with 2500+ people and then was awoken by 2 snotty kids at 8:30am, while we should have been away for one more day (we came home early). I was unhappy.
13 had a ‘tude all day long and i couldn’t handle being in the same room as him. and that makes my Prince upset and he gets angry and cold toward me.
17 came over for the day. and the next day. and the next day.

a lot of kids.

But yesterday, the fourth of July. We woke up before 9am (20 mins before we were supposed to leave because my alarm didn’t go off!) and headed to the beach. We packed lunches and sunscreen and headed out. We got there and the beach was practically empty (10:30AM, it’s to be expected). The kids all played. Hard. They built a huge sand sea turtle (see below). People stopped and took pictures of it, took pictures with it, put their kids on it. eventually they let their kids climb on it and stab the turtle’s head, which i thought was pretty rude haha.

Image may contain: one or more people, beach, outdoor and nature

We all left after we were sufficiently fried. More than fried. We were all red and crispy. And we only have one bottle of Aloe Vera.

We drove home and tried to sneak into a couple ice cream shops- one was rude when my husband asked to use a restroom, they did the Pretty Woman thing where they sort of told him he was too garbage to use their bathroom, so we chose to eat ice cream elsewhere. Then we found the second shop and they’d closed! So we finally drove the long way around town, almost home, and found ice cream.
The kids started craving Pizza. Real bad. And we told them no 500 times. but when we walked into the restaurant, I pulled my prince aside and said “come on babe, lets just get some pizza and then have ice cream later.” and he smiled and sat at a table. He’s starting to enjoy tricking them, too. We didn’t let them look at menus, we just waited to see how long they could stand it before we ordered.

and it was good. it was doughy and saucy and fresh from the oven. and the ice cream was perfect. and we got it all for about $35 which is pretty neat, since there’s 5 of us.

And 13 said that he had just had the best fourth of july he can ever remember. and there weren’t even fireworks yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Days off.

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I always feel like a monster when I tell people that I’m not excited for the kids to come back over yet. There’s a part of me that misses their smiles and their creativity, their energy. But there’s a bigger part that has not recouped from the last week long visit, and she’s not ready for more chaos.

I teeter on the line of being an introvert and an extrover, I’m what they call an ambivert. I really enjoy coming home to an empty house- but only for about 35 minutes and then I start getting anxious from being alone. I start to miss my husband. I don’t like the quiet. I don’t like the solitude. I get lonesome. I need to be surrounded.  But being surrounded by my husband is much different than being surrounded by kids.

Tonight, we are getting ready to have some Nigerian friends over. They’re amazing people. We’re on night 3 of our week off, except they were there on Monday when I got home- which is okay, but it’s not really quite like coming home to silence. And tonight they’ll be with us. And i’m not ready.

I’m not ready to entertain  and i’m not ready to hear the kids whine and complain about being there, we’re confident that 13 is going to cheat the rules we set for his grounding and do all the things he’s grounded from while his mom is at work.  i’m not ready to have them up after their regular bed time and to hear 9 cry if he stubs his toe. i’m just not ready.

i’m not sure how else to convey this to my Prince. I’ve told him time and time again that I think one of us is going to lose it if we do this week on/week off thing. I’m drained. HE spent most of the week with them, but i am still drained. When they nag at him and pull on him and irritate him, he gets weighed down and then that is put on me. Not intentionally of course, but that”s how it naturally goes.

i need recoup days. i need to have monday nights with no work. a night with my husband and me and thats it. but instead

Monday night I came home to kids lighting fireworks and my indoor candles being burned outside. I told them 17 times to clean their room and wash/fold/put away their clothes on Monday and my Prince gave them other chores, so i came home to a dirty room with no laundry done- except what was in the washer and what would be left for me to do. i was irritated. yes, they cleaned the countertops and behind all of the junk on the counter, they did the dishes and they cleaned the bathroom but there was a reason i wanted their rooms cleaned and it didn’t happen.

When they left, i walked in the house and there was a pile of boxed up goods. which meant we were going to the storage unit (a good thing but.. no relaxation). So we don’t get   home until after 8:00 and then finally sit down to watch my husband’s favorite show.  i fall asleep after 1 episode and can’t tell you what happened.

Tuesday, I came home and worked on my photos/videos from a wedding in May that needs to be sent out, washed the boys’ clothes, did the dishes, cleaned the counters, made our bed and tidied up the living room. a lot can happen in one night. i sat down to do more wedding work and my husband came home and started giving me chores to do. so i cleaned the entire living room area. it was a lot. i made us breakfast for dinner and then we left to go to his parents’ house to drop some stuff off. then we went to the store and didnt get home until 10:00. the night was over.

tonight, we’ll have 6 or 8 people in our home. my husband will rush around like a mad man until we are all sitting down to eat. the kids will be irritated that we aren’t spending time with them, though we have international guests here to see US and its a privilege for them to be in our home.

there is no break time. there is no down time. this is not a week off.

i’m starting to really feel like i’m not cut out for this kid life. how do i do it?